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Life is only what you wonder.

Tuesday, May 28, 2002


G. is kind of annoyed at something, so I decided to give him some space. Got the idea that I was only making things worse by trying to honey him out of it. Everyone's got their own way of dealing with things.

Went to the thrift store in Brooklyn today and got a few things. I never buy clothes there, because you don't know who wore 'em last and how thouroughly they were laundered, but I got a lamp, a paperback book and a necktie for G. all for $4.35. You can't beat that!

It's weird when I go back to "the other apartment" (i.e. the one on St. Paul I just rented). It seems so lifeless without my clothes in the closet or my hairbrush, razor, and my can of Gillette Foamy sitting on the counter by the sink.

I'm not gonna be blogging for a little while 'cause I'm going on vacation! By the time I'm back I'll be going through "blogging withdrawal" so I'll blog the first chance I get. Where am I going on Vacation, you ask?
Montreal, Canada!

I'm so excited!!!!!

Sunday, May 26, 2002

Help Me, Jesus

Heard from my buddy UrbanBaltoBoy today, which is so cool! *yay!* We kind of lost touch when all that stuff was going down with my husband and me.

I got (verbally) assaulted by this woman on the street as I was walking to the Light Rail to work today.
She was in the middle of Howard Street screaming at me,
"Jesus wasn't white! He was BLACK! He was BLACK! Jesus doesn't like WHITE PEOPLE!".
Huh! I though Jesus loved all peole.
What a whacko!

Worked a double today 'cause someone didn't show up. Looking forward to a day off!

Thursday, May 23, 2002

Warm Snug Day

What a nice day! Not too hot--not too cool. Just right! (Like Baby Bear's porridge!)

Skin Season is not quite here yet. (Dang it!) Looking forward to seeing flesh.
Well, firm young male flesh, that is.
May 1st is usually the official start of Skin Season, but for some reason it's starting late this year.
Hopefully, I won't have too long to wait.

Been kind of "blah" lately. Not happy-not sad. Just kinda "ugh" (if you know what I mean).
I'm usually so perky and energetic.
I hate when I get like this.

Wednesday, May 22, 2002

Ring My Bell

Random stuff:

Got my new hair-do! Wanted Kenny at Neal's to do it but didn't have time to make an appointment, so I went to the Hair Butchery Hair Cuttery instead. They actually do a pretty good job.

Been hearing that song Hero by Enrique Iglasias alot lately--especially at work. Good song-but if I hear it too much more I'll start to not like it.

Been noticing alot of men carrying what looks like little purses! Small little zippered things (big enough for ID, money and keys, but not much else) with a strap and worn off the shoulder. Weird.

What's up with these cell phones and thier ring tones? I've heard everything from "La Cucaracha" to the theme from Bonanza coming from them. Why not just a regular "telephone ring" sound?

Tuesday, May 21, 2002

I'm So Tired

I wish I were wealthy and didn't have to work. I could get used to just lounging around all day and having servants wait on me, but that's not likely to happen.

Off tomorrow which is fabulous!
Gonna get a new hair-do and drop off some (overdue) library books and then my day is totally free!
I don't know what I'm gonna do with it yet, but as long as I don't have to work I'll be OK.

I've been absolutley dying to see the new Star Wars movie, but haven't yet so far. Hopefully sometime soon.

Sunday, May 19, 2002

I Was Dreaming When I Wrote This

G. and I are still doing OK.
I guess.
At least I think so.
It's hard to judge if everything's OK, or not.
I'm kind of concerned about his boyfriend (ex-boyfriend actually--he just doesn't know it yet) throwing a monkey wrench into the works (figuratively).
But what can I do about it?

Gotta get ready for work.
You know, there was a time I really enjoyed the weekend--not any more.

Had a dream last night that I was walking on a tightrope carrying a long balancing pole, like an acrobat in the circus.
Pretty scary.
I'm no dream anylist, but I think it's pretty safe to say it means I'm afraid of what's going to happen with this relationship.

Saturday, May 18, 2002

Situation Normal - All F*cked Up

Everythings almost "back to normal" (whatever that means) with me and G. (my husband--tired of typing "my husband" over and over again) and I've even moved back in!

Please hold your applause until we can determine whether this is a good thing, or not.

There's still alot that needs to be sorted out and it's not going to be easy.
G.'s manstress doesn't know I'm back yet and I don't think he's the type to give up so easily.

In case you haven't already guessed, the whole idea of him just makes my skin crawl.

I wanted G. to tell him right away that I'm back. I think it's important that everyone knows where they stand.
I certainly know I would have appriciated knowing everything instead of being kept in the dark all those months while being CHEATED ON!!!
(I'm still a little bitter. Can you tell?)

Anyway, I want G. to tell him right away:
"You were a passing fancy. I love my husband and I'm staying with him and trying to make my marriage work. It was nice while it lasted, but . . ." or the equivelent, but G. says "the time isn't ripe yet".
Why does everything have to be his way all the time?

Anyway, now we have two apartments.

I'm gonna see if I can break my lease at the new apartment, because we really don't need two.
I need to read my lease over again to see what it says about that.

Who knows where the future will lead.
You'll know when I do.

Friday, May 17, 2002

I Can't Answer That

  • If I get back with G., who's to say he won't pull the same bullshit again?

  • G. said he would never give up his "freindship" with Jeff, his "manstress".
    How do I deal with that?

  • Am I a big fool for even considering trying to make this work?

  • Can this relationsdhip work, or had too much damage been done?

  • Am I thinking of going back because I love him, or is it because I don't want to be alone?
I can't answer any of these questions right now.

Hopefully, I'll be able to soon.

Thursday, May 16, 2002

The Dirty Deed

Spent last night with the ex-husband. We watched the Film "American History X".
Afterward, we played a passionate game of "Hide the Sausage".
It was wonderful, but does it mean anything?
I haven't moved back in, and we're definitely not back together again.

Even if I wanted to, (and I'm not so sure if I want to) he's still going out with his "boyfriend".

I have absoloutly no idea what's going to happen.

Wednesday, May 15, 2002

I Wanna Put My Tender Heart In A Blender

This explains exactly how I feel right now. Also this and this and this.
'Nuff said.

Tuesday, May 14, 2002

Believe It, Or Not

I can't believe my life sometimes!
OK, stuff that's happened--but just the highlights.
So sore and tired from moving and exhaused from all the emotional stuff I was going through I went to work and I intended to just throw myself into my job, but we were very slow and I got stuck with the section by the window under the vents which is one of the slowest areas of the restaraunt.
Tips were terrible! Everyone was complaining about the draft from the vents---It wasn't a good night.
Went to Leon's after work and the nice bartender gave me a drink on the house!
(Thanks, Bert!) Then I went back to my apartment.
Woke up in the middle of the night not knowing where I was--then I remembered. Had a hard time getting back asleep again.
Woke up early and went to the Saint Paul Food Market for Oodles of Noodles and some other stuff. Went to work and it was kinda tough dealing with all the questions. "Where's your husband?"
I simply said "Oh, he's on a trip visiting a friend." I missed him (my husband, my ex-husband---whatever) alot and I called his cell phone and he said he didn't want to be there with him, he wanted to be with me and that he still loved me. I chokingly told him I loved him too with tears running down my face.
Went out for "just one drink" Saturday night to the Hippo. ,br>Saw my friend Donnie, which was pretty cool. ,br> Saw the Ex's boyfriend there too, but the Ex wasn't with him. I really coulda done without seeing that! ,br> I resisted the urge I had to pick up the largest, heaviest object I could find and bash him in the head with it. It wasn't easy, though.
It was my inhuman self-control which saved the day, (and saved him from a nasty concussion.)
I only had one beer, then I went home.
My pager went off early in the morning. (My phone isn't on yet--maybe next week.) It was the husband. We met for coffee and talked. He said he wanted to try again. I said I wanted to try again too.
Sunday was Mother's day and it sucked. That's all that needs to be said about that. It was horrible. I know what the Ninth Circle of hell is like, because I was there. Spent the night with the husband. Some of the hottest sex I ever had! It was amazing!
The husband's new boyfriend showed up at work to have lunch with him.
They ate while I seethed and stewed in my own juices.
G. was telling him that he wasn't ready for him to move in just yet. G. said he had to break it to him gradually and not all at once.
As G. was telling him he was sitting there, crying his eyes out.
Believe it or not, I almost felt sorry for him. Then I thought "He fooled around with a man he knew was married--He deserves what he gets!"
Not much else to report about that night.
Woke up, did laundry, took a bath, washed my hair. Got a page from the husband and he said that his boyfriend will be living in Pennslylvania (sp?) all summer and that would give us a chance to see if we can make our relationship work. Can we, I wonder? I know I want to. I'm so confused.
I'll blog more later when more stuff happens.

Saturday, May 11, 2002

I Play It So Well

It's Saturday again.
The place is empty now.
I made a table on the floor
And toasted to my sins.

Somewhere in a room
All hot from the sun up there
I'm not waking up to you.
My blood is getting thin.

As I sifted through the boxes all night
I knew I couldn't keep it all
And still keep myself alive.
Or sane.

Love, you saved me
But I needed to be hurt.
You accomodated me all too well.

My vision was hazy,
But I can see clearly now.
I see you better as a stranger,
Than I ever did before.

Friday, May 10, 2002

Living In A Box

Well, I'm all moved in at this point. Still have a few boxes to unpack, but that's OK.
The electric is on! *Yay!*

I'm sore though. All my leg muscles feel like Jell-O. Waiting tables is not going to be fun tonight, but I'm gonna work extra hard cause I need all the money I can get.

The ex is in Arkansaw right now with his new boyfriend. Wonder how that's going?
I'm trying not to think about it too much or I'll get myself all upset again. I'm really sick of crying at this point.

No real "adventures" to report at this time, but soon enough there will be, I'm sure.

Thursday, May 09, 2002

Got It Goin' On

I Got The Apartment!!!
I'm almost all moved in. Lots of stuff to unpack though. Boxes are everywhere! There's a glitch with the wiring so I don't have any electricity which totally sucks. I have an extention cord running from my apartment to the outlet in the hallway.

Really weird bein' without the husband (ex-husband, dammit!) though. Last night was the first night we spent separate and I don't think I slept 'til five in the morning. Tossing and turning and thinking about what could have been. *sigh*

I have alot to do to get the apartment the way I want it. I gotta list as long as my arm of the things I have to buy : silverware organizer for utensils drawer, laundry basket, shelf for the bathroom for shampoo n' stuff, dishes, glasses that actually match, and so forth. Oh, well. A little here and there and it'll be OK.

The ex is on a trip to visit his boyfriend tomorrow and then they're coming back to Baltimore to live in (now) his apartment. I don't know how I'm gonna deal with seeing them out together. It's gonna break my heart. And Gay Pride Day is coming too!

This isn't gonna be pretty, folks.

Saturday, May 04, 2002

Moving Day

Moving into my new apartment TODAY!

I cant wait to get this over with!

Friday, May 03, 2002

If I Could Say These Words Faster Than You Could Think Them

Well, I found a great apartment on St. Paul street. It's cute. It has a skylight and a big claw-footed bathtub. I'm putting the deposit on it Monday.
The problem is I don't want to go!!!!

I still love my husband. I don't want to move out. I was packing my stuff in boxes with tears streaming down my face! He said he still loves me too and I know that he does.
He has feelings for his boyfriend also.
I asked him what was he gonna do--y'now can we work this out? Do you still want me to move out?
I really really really wanted him to say for me to stay and we could work through this, but instead his response was "I don't know. I don't know what to do."
So, the only option I'm left with is . . . to continue to do what I was doing already and that's to move out.
I gotta do it.

I've got alot on my plate right now, and lots to do.
I'll blog again real soon.