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Life is only what you wonder.

Thursday, September 26, 2002

Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Ramen Noodle Diet

Trying to lose weight? Want a diet plan that will shed those unwanted pounds quickly and easily? Then try . . .

Wonder Boy’s Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Ramen Noodle Diet

Guaranteed to turn you from flab-ulous to absolutely fabulous!

It’s simple and easy! Just follow these steps:

  • Drink all the coffee you can.
    Preferably very strong, with lots of sugar and cream—you’re going to need the energy!
    Caffeine is your friend!

  • When you’re not drinking coffee, drink Diet Coke or Diet Pepsi. Switch to the caffeine-free version after 8PM if caffeine keeps you awake.

  • Have one packet of Ramen Noodles (Oodles of Noodles, Cup O’ Noodles, or similar product) for lunch or dinner.
    This is the only solid food you’re going to eat all day, so enjoy it.

  • Drinking alcohol is very important in this diet. Avoid beer—too many calories! (Plus you’ll be going to the bathroom a lot anyway because of all the coffee you’ve been drinking.)
    Hard liquor is best—especially vodka—straight up or on the rocks. Drink enough to put you in a light stupor. It won’t take much to get you there. You’ll be buzzing’ right along and you’ll forget how hungry you are! Plus, you'll have no trouble sleeping!

  • Every time you feel hungry, smoke a cigarette. Full flavor is best, and unfiltered is even better.
    You’re going to be really hungry, so buy ‘em by the carton.
    You’re lungs are going to be black as charcoal briquets and you’ll wheeze when going up a flight of stairs, but think of how thin you’re going to be!

  • If you feel you must, take one Centrum or One-A-Day multivitamin every morning.
    You wimp!

  • You might experience shakiness, dizziness, blurred vision, hallucinations, and lack of energy while on this diet. This is only because your body has this foolish notion it needs something called nutrition to function properly. Just ignore it. Mind over matter!

[The above is a joke, OK?
Don’t attempt this diet. It is extremely dangerous.]