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Life is only what you wonder.

Saturday, May 24, 2003

Public Restroom Rules - For Men

These rules are "unspoken" and while your father may not have sat you down and said "Son, these are the rules for using public restrooms", most men know these rules, so this is merely a refresher.

Public Restroom Rules For Men

1. The "Distance Rule":
If you walk in and a guy is already standing at a urinal, leave an empty urinal between yourself and him if possible. If it is only a double urinal, use an empty stall.
If there are no empty stalls, see rules #2 and #3.

2. The "Stare at the Wall" Rule:
If you are next to someone else at the urinal, do not make eye contact with this person.
NEVER make eye contact!
In fact, don't even look over there at all.
Stare at the tile, read the graffiti on the wall (if there is any).
If you read something funny don't tell anyone about it, guys do NOT talk about
Which brings us to . . .

3. The "No Speaking" Rule:
A bathroom is a place to "do your business" and get out. It is not a place for idle conversation. You're not at a cocktail party -- you're in a restroom, dammit!
Talking usually usually involves eye contact and eye contact breaks rule #2.
Plus who wants to make small talk holding their Johnson?

4. The "Flush, Goddammit!" Rule:
Always flush.
No exceptions, unless the flusher is broken and the toilet won't flush. I don't want to walk in a stall and see someone else's "unfinished business"! That's just nasty!
Use your foot to flush if the flush handle is gross. That's what I do.

5. The "Step Up To The Plate" Rule:
Step up as close to the urinal as you can get. This helps with Rule # 6, and prevents temptation for those who might want to break Rule # 2.

6. The "Aim For The Target" Rule:
Pretend there's a fire in the urinal and you have to put it out. Try to hit the center of the toilet bowl (if you're in a stall).
I know it's hard to aim when you're staring at the wall reading the graffitii, but do your best to hit your mark.
Using a restroom with puddles all over the floor is disgusting.
(Presumably, ladies don't have this problem since their sitting right over the target.)

7. The "Three Quick Shakes" Rule:
When you're done urinating, three quick shakes is that's needed to remove any lingering drops--then put that thing away!
Shake it more than three times and you're
playing with it--you pervert!

8. The "Cough" Rule:
When you're in a stall and someone
new comes in the restroom give a cough Â? a simple *ahem*- to alert the new
bathroom guest of your existence. It's just common courtesy.

9. The "Hand Wash" Rule:
Hopefully, you were taught this as a child: Wash your hands, you pig! !
When I see someone exit the men's room without washing their hands the first thing I think is, "Gross."
The next thing I think is "I'm not shaking hands with him!"

10. The "No Noises" Rule:
When you are standing at the urinal or sitting on the toilet do not make any "Oooh", "Aah", or "Oh, YEAH!" noises, even if you've had to go to the bathroom for three hours and have been holding it all that time.
Be quiet!
A barely audible exhale is fine, but no noises! You are not there to enjoy yourself, and nobody wants to know how long you've been holding it, or how good it feels to get rid of it.
You are there to do your business. So do it and move on.

As I stated, most men know all this.
Ladies, you now know more than you ever wanted to know about what goes on in the Men's Room.