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Life is only what you wonder.

Monday, June 30, 2003

You And Me Baby Ain't Nothin' But Mammals

One of the best things about being a server is the social aspect of it.
I'm a "people person" (usually), so it's nice meeting and talking to different people.
And I love my "regulars" who come in to see me often. It's nice to chitter-chat and shoot the breeze, and they give me money--what could be better than that?

One of the worst things about being a server (and maybe some other servers out there can back me up on this) is . . .watching people eat.
I see the following things (more or less) every day:
People . . .

  • talking with food in their mouths.
  • chewing with their mouth open.
  • licking and sucking on their fingers.
  • eating non-finger foods with their hands (steak, salad, baked potatoes.)
  • making horrible noises while they eat: slurping, chewing noisily, smacking their lips, etc.

    I guess maybe I shouldn't be so sensitive, but whenever this happens I want to put their food in a dog bowl instead of on a plate.

  • Monday, Monday

    It's a fine day today. I woke up in a great mood and I'm ready to tackle the day.
    I am such a slave to my mood swings.
    It makes you wonder how much of our motivations and actions are controlled by the bodies we inhabit. Hunger, thirst, exhaustion, alertness, horniness, pain--even sadness and happiness are simply chemical reactions, stimulations and/or responses of our brains.
    Alot of it is neccesary, of course. Without hunger or thirst we would forget to eat and drink and quickly starve to death or die of thirst. Without horniness the species would die out, etc.
    It makes me realize that human beings are animals just like all the other creatures of Earth, despite all we've accomplished as a species.

    I'm probably not making much sense, but that's because I just woke up. You'll forgive me, won't you?

    I feel like such a celebrity. Here's the story:
    I was at Leon's last night after work to have a quick cocktail and unwind a little before going to bed.
    I saw my friend Jimmy C. and chatted with him for a few minutes. (It's weird talking to someone with the same name as you, isn't it?)
    There wasn't anything going on. No big surprise there. Aside from me and Jimmy, and the bartenders (Celeste and Vernon) there were only 3 other people in the place.
    One of them was this older guy I had seen around, but I was never introduced to him and didn't know him from Adam.
    Anyhoo, he's just staring at me and it was starting to creep me out.
    Then he says to me "Is your name Jimmy?" and I said "Uh, yeah." and then he said "I read your blog the other day. It was pretty interesting." And I said "Thank you." and that was pretty much the end of it, but I was just amazed that someone recognized me.
    Too strange, huh?

    Making plans now for Independence Day. I'm probaly just going to watch fireworks at the Inner Harbor, but you never know.

    Saturday, June 28, 2003

    Double Plus Ungood

    I have to get ready for work soon, and I don't feel like it.
    I don't even feel like taking a shower.
    But, I'll do it anyway, like a good boy.

    I wanted to have this weekend off to go to New York Pride, but bo dice.
    Ah, well, maybe next year.
    I am in such a non-caring mood about pretty much everything right now.
    In case you haven't guessed, this is not a good thing!

    Good times, bad times,
    They will come and they will go.
    If I care for nothing
    The sun won't shine and the grass won't grow.

    --Tears For Fears
    "Bloodletting Go"

    Friday, June 27, 2003

    The Ten Blogging Commandments

    And lo, an angel appeared to me as in a vision, saying,
    Hey, hosanna, hosanna!
    And I spaketh unto him, saying,
    Who art thou calling a ho?
    And thus it came to pass that he gaveth me these commandments, which he chargethed me to give unto ye:
    I. Thou shalt not post on a topic on thy blog thou hast already written of unless ye haveth something new to add.

    II. Thou shalt not use images or graphics on thy blog without consent.
    It is an abomination.

    III. Thou shalt not steal content, nor shalt thou copy and paste from the blogs of thy brethren, nor the blogs of thy neighbors, nor the blogs of thine enemies, nor any such thing.
    Thou shalt risk the wrath if ye do so.

    IV. Thou shoudest do thy best to use proper spelling on thy blog and whensoever ye posteth to thy blog.
    Thou shoudest consult thy dictionary if ye art unsure.
    For they will not hold him guitless that do not doest so.

    V. Thou shalt not linketh to previous posts on thy blog unless it is relevant in some wise to thy current post.

    VI. Thou shalt not just post links to other sites, that thy blog shall be long upon the land that hath been given thee.

    VII. Thou shalt not post something soest thou hast posted for that day.
    Thou art wasteful if ye do so.

    VIII. Thou shouldest watch thy language so thy blog can be known by all.
    If ye breakest this commandment thy mouth shall be washed out with soap.

    IV. Thou shouldest do thy best to reveal thy source if what ye posteth is not thine.
    They shall not hold thee indemnifiable who taketh freedoms with their property.

    X. Thou shalt not disparage another blogger, nor shalt thou disparage another blogger's blog, nor shalt thou disparage his wife, nor his husband, nor his ass, nor his manservant, nor any such thing.
    Wouldst thou like it done to thee?

    Thus were the words as were spaketh unto me.
    What sayest thou?

    Thursday, June 26, 2003

    Security Breach

    One of the great things about my apartment building is that it's surrounded by a fence with a gate that opens only with your code, a key, or by using the intercom and getting buzzed in. The parking lot is accessible only if you have a "clicker" set to the right frequency. It gives you that feeling of security.
    All that is rendered moot when your neighbors keep leaving the gate open which means that anyone can just wander in at any point.
    Well, someone was leaving the gate wide open and I made it my mission to discover who it was.
    While checking my mail the woman (I don't know her name) who lives upstairs comes through the gate and leaves it wide open. That little incident turned into this big altercation which went something like this:
    Me: Hey! You left the gate open!!
    Her: (Snidely) I know! I'm expecting somebody.
    I go to the gate and shut it.
    Her: (practically shouting) Hey!!! I said I was expecting somebody!!!
    Me:(exasperated) Well, you can't just leave the gate wide open! Anybody could walk in! Why don't you buzz them in?
    Her: (she's shouting at this point) It's none o' yo bisiness, but my phone ain't turned on so I can't!!!!
    Me: Well, every time I see the gate open I'm going to shut it.
    She flip-flops her way upstairs cursing under her breath.
    So I went inside.
    I peeked out the window not even five minutes later and the gate is wide open again. So I shut it (again).
    This happened two times after that and I know she's probably pissed. I'm waiting for her to knock on my door even as I type this.
    This keeps up and I'm notifying the landlord.

    A Dreaded Sunny Day

    It's warm (bordering on hot) outside. I have all the shades and blinds drawn, my fans on, and the AC on low.
    My apartment is like a cool, dark cave.
    A big change from the way I normally have it with all the shades and blinds open and the apartment filled with sunshine.
    it's kind of nice.

    On the work tip, I might possibly be switching to day shift for the remainder of my time there. Tuesday when I worked day shift everything went really smoothly, tips were excellent, and guest turnover was high. If it was like that every day I wouldn't have even thought about leaving!
    I am such a whore when it comes to waiting tables: Do your thing (in this case that means eat your meal), give me money, and then get the fug out so I can service someone else.
    It doesn't sound too nice when I put it that way, does it?
    I don't really mean it in a bad way, though.

    I am so well-rested today it's kind of scary.
    I think everyone does this to some extent:
    I'm tired but I force myself to stay awake anyway because in my head 11 o'clock (or whatever time) is too early to be going to bed.
    Or the reverse: I'll set the alarm extra early to get a head start on the day, 'cause there's alot of things to get done.
    When I don't get enough sleep I'm a big grouch with a very short fuse.
    I got just the right amount of sleep last night. I went to bed when I was feeling tired and didn't set the alarm clock and I woke up all by myself when my body said "OK, that's enough."
    I wish I had the luxury of sleeping like that every night.

    Wednesday, June 25, 2003

    Gonna Get Myself Connected

    I discovered Friendster via a link on the blog of my pal Joey.
    I haven't done much with it except to fill out my profile and upload some photos, but the whole Friendster thing is really an exciting concept.
    It's kind of a "Six Degrees of Separation" thing: You know somebody, who knows somebody, who knows somebody (and so on) and you can "connect" with them-- or they to you.
    So far, Joey is my only friend on there but through him, and his friends, and his friends friends (and so forth) I'm already "connected" to over 2,500 people.
    As I said, I haven't done much with it yet, but I'm curious to see where this goes.
    More on this as it happens.

    Ten Things

    Ten things that are annoying me (in no particular order):
  • People who don't come to a complete full stop at Stop signs.
  • Cashiers who don't tell you the total, forcing you to look at the display on the cash register.
  • Talking with someone and their cell phone rings, interrupting the conversation.
    Ooooooh! That drives me crazy!
  • People who shout or talk very loudly.
  • When people say "Hot enough for ya?" in the summertime.
  • People that don't watch where they're going when walking down the street who nearly knock you down, especially when there's plenty of room for everyone.
  • Jerry Springer.
  • People that chew with their mouth open.
  • Commercials for prescription drugs on TV.
  • Those subscription cards that fall out of magazines when you open them.
  • Tuesday, June 24, 2003

    Wirty Dords

    here are some words that sound dirty, but they're not:
    cunning, dixie, sucket, luster, penal, subpoena, hoard, sext, cockpit, titter, shitake, poppycock, succor, asset, Balzac, uvula, Bankok, succumb, booby trap, lei, screwball, liqueur
    "hors d'oeuvre" doesn't sound dirty but it looks dirty, doesn't it?


    I'm off to work in a couple of minutes. I offered to work this morning intead of my usual evening shift. A co-worker, Jenn, had something she had to do. She told me, but I can't remember what it was right this minute. (Not that it was important or anything.)
    Anyway, I said I'd switch shifts with her. I figured I could get the day over with that much sooner.
    Unfortunately the coffee I'm drinking is doing absoloutely nothing to get the sleepy dust out of my eyes.
    Oh well, I'll wake up eventually.

    The estimate on the when the new coffee shop is going to open is 3 weeks. This is approximate, so there's no telling when it's actually going to happen. Ultil then I'm staying where I'm at. Why get a new job just to quit in a month? I'm considering not even giving a 2 week notice this time at my restaraunt and just not show up one day.
    Oooooh, as tempting as that sounds it would be so difficult to do that. I'd feel really guilty afterwards and I don't handle gulit very well.

    Monday, June 23, 2003

    A Five Minute Story

    Laurie was in agony.
    "Make it stop. Please, God." she moaned.
    She sat in the bathtub, her head down, curled into a flesh colored ball, ice cold water from the shower head fell down on her like rain.
    She looked up and through the spray all she saw were daisies. For a moment she wondered where she was, but then it came to her. Mom's house.
    Her mother had decorated the bathroom in daisies. Daisies on the tiles, on the shower curtain, on the bath mat, on the toothbrush holder and soap dish, on the clothes hamper and hand towels. There wasn't anywhere you could look in that room and not see daisies. It was grossly overdone. It made Laurie's head hurt.
    Her mother had "themes" for every room in the house. The guest bathroom downstairs was decorated in marigolds. The kitchen was mushrooms.
    She wanted to get out of the tub but her legs felt all rubbery and she wasn't sure she could stand.
    Her head was pounding. Why was it so difficult to think?
    Laurie shivered and her teeth chattered. She was cold from the inside like her bones were made of ice or frozen glass.
    "God." she whispered as the water poured down.
    She wanted to get out, but she couldn't summon the energy. Maybe in a couple of minutes.
    She leaned her head back against the cool tile and closed her eyes.

    Sunday, June 22, 2003

    Madam 8-Ball's Horoscope

    "Are you in for a rude surprise?"

    AQUARIUS: Yes.
    PISCES: As I see it, yes.
    ARIES: Yes, definitely.
    TAURUS: Signs point to yes.
    GEMINI: It is certain.
    CANCER: Better not tell you now.
    LEO: Outlook not so good.
    VIRGO: As I see it, yes.
    LIBRA: Very doubtful.
    SCORPIO: Yes, definitely.
    SAGITTARIUS: Ask again later.
    CAPRICORN: Signs point to yes.

    Saturday, June 21, 2003

    What's Your Flava?

    I've had the song What's Your Flava? by Craig David running through my head for about 2 days now.
    Is this a sign I'm going mad? Does anybody else ever get songs stuck in their head that just won't go away, or is it just me?

    Totally sick of work.
    You're probably as tired of hearing that as I am of saying it, but that doesn't make it any less true.
    I've totally cut out doing anything extra at that place: I don't go in early, I don't volunteer for extra work, I do as little as I have to. It's so unlike me! I have a really good work ethic usually.
    It's kind of nice, though.
    You know the old saying "Do more than people expect and pretty soon they'll begin to expect more"? People don't expect me to be like that, but after the way I was treated can anyone really blame me?

    The B'more weather just doesn't know what it wants to do. Rainy one day, sunny the next, overcast and cloudy the day after that. I think that's what's causing my weird mood swings.
    Or I could be bi-polar.
    Oh, I hope not. I don't want to be bi-anything!

    I'll post more as it happens. Right now I'm in limbo.

    One Word: Sparkle

    Sparkle and shine.
    Glitter and gleam.
    New coins.
    Polished jewelry.
    The way you feel when you're in love.

    Sunlight on the water.
    Stars in the sky.
    The moonlight in your eyes.
    A nice surprise.

    Friday, June 20, 2003

    The Friday Five: Hair

    1. Is your hair naturally curly, wavy, or straight? Long or short?
    Naturally straight. It's the only straight thing about me, actually!
    I used to hate my hair because it was this dull brown color and it just laid there.
    My childhood friend Valentine had naturally curly hair and it always looked really good. I always wanted hair like that. He hated his curly hair and would blow dry it, brush it, spray it, slick it back and try to make it straight, with very little success.
    I've grown to appriciate my hair. I guess I've gotten used to it.

    2. How has your hair changed over your lifetime?
    When I was born my hair was this amazing flaxen blond color, and gradually it darkened to the color it is now. That's the only change I've noticed.

    3. How do your normally wear your hair?
    I follow the KISS rule: Keep It Simple, Stupid!
    I get out of the shower, towel it so it's not drippy and let it dry by itself. Then I put a little pomade or gel in it and spray it a little, comb it and -voila!- the 'do is done. I always gotta have bangs or some kind of hair on my forehead, though.

    4. If you could change your hair this minute, what would it look like?
    It would have golden highlights or streaks in it.
    What a great idea! I'm going to make a hair appointment right now to get that done!

    5. Ever had a hair disaster? What happened?
    When I was 19 I decided I wanted to "go blond" without having any idea of how to do it. I walked into the drugstore and got a bottle of Miss Clairol #24 "Sunny Blond" without realizing that I had to strip the color from my hair first. Big mistake.
    Anyway, I put it in waited 20 minutes, and rinsed it out. AAAAAARGH! My hair was orange, the color of a carrot. Oh, it was horrible!
    I put on a baseball cap and ran to the drug store and got something to fix it. It worked, but color treating my hair twice totally fried my hair and it was all dry and fly-away and weird until it grew out. Luckily my hair grows pretty fast. I'll never make that mistake again.

    Thursday, June 19, 2003

    Sister, I'm A Poet

    I block it, I filter it, I delete it and it still keeps on coming no matter what I do.
    You know what it is--Spam.
    And I'm not talking about the luncheon meat made by the good folks at Hormel.
    Just for something to do I made a little poem. Each line is from the subject of an email message I recieved recently. Enjoy!
    Pork Shoulder and Ham

    This is for YOU
    An URGENT message
    Asian ladies are looking for someone like you
    Why not increase your penis?
    Someone is reading the files on your computer!
    Get free samples of
    Viagra by mail
    Secret spy cameras see it all.
    Is someone searching for you?
    She is SO HOT
    Are you man enough?
    Reply to this message
    You may already be infected!
    OK, so it won't win any prizes, but I didn't exactly have much to work with here.

    Who's That Guy?

    I just had to post a pic of my fave TV guy Tom Welling, star of the WB series Smallville.
    He's the only reason I watch that show.

    Wednesday, June 18, 2003

    Somebody's Gotta Feel This

    There was a required Apartment Inspection in my bulding today. I spent the last few days cleaning, because I didn't want them to see a messy apartment. I figured they'd be looking in closets, checking in cabinets, etc.
    Nope. The "inspection" took all of 30 seconds. Much ado about nothing.
    Still, it gave me a reason to tidy up the ol' homestead.

    I found out yesterday that there are all kinds of rumors going on about me around B'more. Here's some of the stories:

  • The husband and I aren't together anymore. I threw him out of the house for (insert reason here).
  • I've been cheating on my husband with (among others) Chris from Central Station, Jason from The Allegro and David from The Quest.
    and most bizarre of all:
  • I was thrown in prison for the stuff that went on in my restaraunt.
    I'm here to set the record straight. None of the above is true. (It's obvious I'm not typing this from prison!)

    The following is an addendum to Rule #1 of my "Rules of Attraction" post:
    If 2 gay men are just friends, people will still assume that "something's going on" (i.e. dating or sex) whether there is or not.

    If people really wanna know, they should ask. I'm the first one to tell any stories I might have. It just amazes me that I can't even hang out with someone without stories going around that I'm cheating.
    People are going to talk, I understand that and there's really nothing I can do about it, so why get bent?

    Back to work tonight. I withdrew my 2 weeks notice 'cause there's no telling when the new coffee shop is going to open. Jeff said he'd give me plenty of notice, so I'm just playing the Waiting Game at this point.
    This isn't easy because I hate waiting for anything.

  • Increase Your Word Power!

    I used to think I was well read and had a pretty good vocabulary, but now I'm not too sure.
    I've come across the following word no less than 4 times in the past 2 days and had no fuggin' clue what it meant.
    What to do?
    Why, consult the dictionary, of course!
    en·nui (pronunciation: an-'wE, function: noun, etymology: French, from Old French enui- annoyance, from enuier- to annoy)
    a feeling of weariness and dissatisfaction, boredom

    Tuesday, June 17, 2003

    A Five Minute Story


    Sitting next to me at the bar in the club he could've been a model.
    His chiseled good looks and perfect hair and eyes that were ice blue were made for a catalog or the cover of a magazine.
    He took my breath away.
    I lit a cigarette and he glanced up from his cocktail and then leaned toward me, making me dizzy from his closeness. He radiated heat like a sunlamp.
    "Can I get some of that?" he said grinning a sly secretive (and totally seductive) smile and gestured toward the cigarette burning between my fingers.
    I would've given him anything he wanted. Anything.
    "You can have one." I repled, reaching for the pack in my shirt pocket.
    "No thanks, I don't want a whole one, just a puff or two of yours, if that's all right."
    I handed it to him and watched as he brought his hand to his lips and saw the tip glow brighter as he inhaled.
    "Thanks." he said, passing it back between his thumb and his index finger like it was a joint.
    Our hands touched briefly.
    Smoke curled out the corner of his mouth.
    "No problem." I managed to say.
    I took a drag and tasted his second-hand kiss on the filter.

    Monday, June 16, 2003

    The Spice Must Flow

    Some things are inevitable. You know it, you're prepared for it, no problem.
    This was my umpity-umpth Pride so I knew what to expect. There weren't any surprises.

    The following things are almost guaranteed to happen on Pride Day:

  • I'm going to run into people. Alot of people. Pretty much everyone I've ever met: Friends, aquaintences, ex-boyfriends, and ever single fuggin' trick since I came out.
  • I'm going to drink too much.
    This year was no exception.

    I got off of work at 4PM Saturday and dashed home as fast as I possibly could. A shower and a quick change of clothes and I'm off.
    My first order of business was getting a drink. I wasn't about to face all of those queens without alcohol flowing through my bloodstream.

    My first stop was The Allegro.
    My boy Jason was there looking like Neo from The Matrix in his shiny black t-shirt and black leather pants.

    So I belt my drink down and head for the Block Party.
    Once more into the breach!

    I ran into Donnie and he was already drunk and it was barely 8:00!
    He's such a mess, but he's alot of fun, though.
    "Girlfriend!" he screamed when he saw me.

    I'm not going to list all the people I saw 'cause it would take forever and tax my brain too much.
    All the bars were packed well beyond maximum capacity and going to the bathroom meant waiting in a humongous line.
    Every time I turned around I saw somone else I know and I'd give them a hug and a "Happy Pride!"

    I had a blast!
    I partied my ass off---probably too much, actually. It was like a cocktail party that lasted 6 hours. I'm one of those people that never wants to leave the party.

    I got to hang with Chris (who used to tend bar at Central Station) for a little while. Me? Hanging out with the hunkiest bartender in B'more?
    No way, man!
    It was the highlight of the day, actually.
    The only time I'd ever see him was in passing, or he'd be behind the bar making cocktails.
    He is so real.
    I'm glad I got to know him better. He said he was glad he got the chance to hang with me too, which was awesome.

    So anyway, it was a fun day.
    I didn't make it to the festival on Sunday because I had to work, it being Father's Day.
    Father's Day is a "no request off" day at my restaraunt and there was no way I could get out of it.

    I'm off today and tomorrow. I'm going to use this time to recharge.
    I'm drained.

  • One Word: Basket

    A tisket, a tasket.
    What the hell is a "tisket", anyway?
    Or a "tasket" for that matter?
    "Basket" is gay slang for crotch bulge.
    My brain was not working this morning. In 60 seconds this was honestly all I could think of.

    Friday, June 13, 2003

    Time Is The Enemy

    Sometimes there aren't enough hours in the day.

  • In a few minutes I'm leaving to get a new hair-do. Right now I have a hair-don't and I can't go to Gay Pride with bad hair.
    It ain't gonna happen.
  • After that I'm going to the store for detergent, bleach, and a few other things.
  • Next, I gotta dash home and do a couple loads of laundry and then get ready for work.
  • After work I'm going right home and crawling into bed because I have to be at work at 9AM Saturday morning.
  • On Saturday I get off at 4PM, dash home as fast as I can, shower, shave, change my clothes, do the 'do, and then I'm off to Mount Vernon for the Pride Parade and Block Party.

    There's alot to do between now and then, so I need to get busy!
    I'll be sure to post how everything went.

  • Thursday, June 12, 2003

    So-Called Party Over There

    I had a party at my apartment last night. It was totally spontaneous--you couldn't have predicted it 2 hours before, which was kind of cool actually.
    Some phone calls were made, a trip to the alchoholic store for refreshing beverages and munchies and voila!--instant party.
    It was alot of fun. Some people dropped by I wasn't expecting, which was a very pleasant surprise.
    What a coinkydink--Thomas, my upstairs neighbor, was having a party also! He and his friends dropped in and socialized for awhile and then a little later me and some others went upstairs to their party. Two parties in one--how cool is that?
    It was serendipity.
    I usually don't like playing "host" because you can never totally relax and enjoy yourself. You're preoccupied with changing CDs on the stereo, or refilling the ice bucket, or putting out more munchies, emptying ashtrays and so forth but last night it was effortless.
    I'll have to do this more often.
    I took alot of fun pictures, and I'd like to post 'em but I don't have a digital camera, damn it!
    If anyone's planning on buying me a present, well, you know what to get me!

    [BTW, this new version of Blogger sucks!]

    The Rules of Attraction

    The following was on my mind last night when I started thinking of friendships I've had and things that have happened in the past. For the most part, I think it's pretty accurate.
    Rule #1: It is very difficult for 2 gay men to be very good platonic friends because
    a) chances are one of them is going to be attracted to the other, but not vice versa, creating a "sexual tension" thing; or
    b) there's a good chance one of them will be attracted to the other's boyfriend (or their boyfriend will be attracted to them); or
    c) if both of them are single they could be attracted to the same guy creating a "rival" situation.
    This has happened more times than I can count.

    Rule #2: It is very difficult for a gay man to be friends with a straight man unless the straight man is totally confident in his sexuality and has no gay prejudices.
    In all my life I've only met one man who fit in this category.
    Gay men who fall in love or develop romantic feelings for straight men might as well put a "kick me!" sign on their back.

    Rule #3: Gay men and lesbians could be good friends because there's no sexual tension or rivalry there.
    I don't have to worry that she's attracted to me or if she's trying to get with my boyfriend, and she doesn't have to worry about the reverse.
    Unfortunately, aside from the fact that we're "homosexual", gay men and lesbians don't really have that much in common.

    Rule #4: Gay men can have wonderful friendships with straight women unless the woman has romantic feelings or is trying to "prove her femininity". My first (and only) sexual encounter with a woman happened only because she thought she could "straighten me out".
    Guess what? It didn't work.

    Rule # 5: As for bisexual men and women, see rules 1-4.
    Anything goes!

    If anyone disagrees with any of this or has something to add, I welcome your comments.

    Wednesday, June 11, 2003

    Smells Like Queer Spirit

    Pride is . . .

    . . .accepting yourself for who you are--flaws and all.

    . . .a celebration for surviving the slings and arrows the world throws at you and being all the stronger for it.

    . . .a look back at how far we've come, but realizing that this is just the beginning.
    Power to the people!

    . . .knocking down the walls of discrimination and prejudice everywhere just by being who we are and living our lives.

    We have alot to be proud of!
    Happy Gay Pride!

    Tuesday, June 10, 2003

    You Say It's Your Birthday

    Today is the birthday of my friend Ralph (AKA Summer Skyy) so last night he called me up and asked me if I wanted to go out.
    He didn't have to twist my arm.
    I didn't feel like going out Friday, yet I was itching to go out last night?
    What's going on in that brain of mine?
    I need to get some control over these mood swings.
    He wanted to go to The Quest, so that's where we went. There wasn't anything going on anywhere, it being Monday and all, so why not? Everyone must've been "savin' it up" for Pride Weekend cause the place was empty as a. . .I don't know, something that's empty. There wasn't anybody there, that's my point.
    So anyway, we had a few cocktails, talked about old times and other things, and clinked glasses at midnight.
    "Happy Birthday!"
    He tried to chastize me for missing his last two drag performances. I pointed out that I can't go if he doesn't tell me about them first! He said he would call and let me know when he was performing. I'm not psychic.
    Anyway, despite the lack of excitement, or perhaps because of it, I had a pretty good time.
    David, the bartender, was there but he wasn't working so that gave me a chance to actually have a conversation with him--something I don't get much of a chance to do when he's busy behind the bar. He's such a great guy.
    He's like Jason, he can totally turn my mood around.

    I woke up refreshed today with no hangover.
    Surprise, surprise!
    From the amount I drank last night I'm amazed I'm not in agony right now.

    Monday, June 09, 2003

    Wall to Wall

    By a strange twist of fate and totally by chance I was able to get the weekend off.
    This is about as rare as spotting a unicorn, so I took full advantage of it.
    I was planning a trip somewhere, possibly to DC, my old stomping grounds, but then I decided to stay local, partially because my desire to travel wasn't really that strong, but mostly because after paying bills I wasn't as flush as I thought I'd be.

    I went out Friday night. I kind of forced myself to. It's like the desire to go out was there, but I was full of all this lethargy (is that even a word?) and I had to force myself to summon the energy. I kept thinking "I never get to go out on the weekend, so I should take advantage of this."
    Forcing yourself to go out when you don't feel like it is kind of like going to work.
    My first stop was The Allegro. I walked down the stairs and there wasn't anybody there. Jason was at the door so I chatted with him for a few moments, but I didn't go in.
    I went to The Hippo next, and there wasn't anything going on there either. Where was everybody? I had a couple of cocktails expecting more people to show up, but it never happened.
    OK, then!
    I went to Grand Central (formerly Central Station) next, and it was packed full, wall to wall, door to door, hall to hall. In order to get another queen in that place you'd need a lubricant. I spot David so I go over to talk with him for a minute and I found out he's dating Amos! I guess I shouldn't be surprised at the way fate works, but every now and then something throws me for a loop.
    After that I was sick of the crowd (and of people bumping into me and nearly burning me with cigarettes) so I went to Leon's, and then I went home.
    Saturday and Sunday I went grocery shopping, cleaned the apartment and that's about it. I never just spend time at home I'm so busy running here and there. I needed to recharge my batteries.

    Baltimore Gay Pride is this weekend.
    I can't wait!

    Friday, June 06, 2003

    Every Day I Write The Book

    I have a set of journals going back about 15 years. I've written in some kind of journal since I was 14, but I stopped after I created this blog, 'cause what would be the point?

    Anyway, it's a total mind-warper when I take one out and start reading it.
    I start reading and it's like OMG! I remember that! Holy $#*%!
    Here's an entry from 9 years ago.
    It's kind of long, so make a sandwich and grab a refreshing beverage.
    (Text in brackets [ ] are comments or explanations not included in the original entry.)

      Friday, June 3rd, 1994 -- 10:10AM
    I haven't written in awhile. I've got lots of stories, but the one I want to tell most happened just last night.

    Yesterday was Men's Night at the Hippo and I decided since I wasn't working that I would go out.
    I spoke with Peter [my boyfriend] earlier on the phone and he said he'd meet me there. It had been a couple of days since I've seen him, or schedules have been whacky lately, so I was looking forward to it.
    Anyway, as soon as I walk in I see my friend Steve who was there with his friend Danny.
    (Danny is so cute, but it's obvious he's not interested so I'm not going to waste my time swooning over him.)
    My friend Mike was there too.
    So, I got a screwdriver from Gary [the bartender] and we're hanging out in the Eager Street Saloon area by the pool tables having some good conversation and every couple of minutes I'm looking around for Peter, but there's no sign of him.
    So, time passes and we're bored and we decide to go over to the Dance side. So we're still talking about I-Can't-Remember-What and I feel someone grab me from behind. So I turn around and it's Peter.

    "Hey!" I said, happy to see him.
    The look on his face sobered me instantly.
    He says, "I need to talk to you." and I'm thinking "Uh-oh! Something's up."
    Before I could even say "OK" he kind of pulls me by my arm and leads me to the sort of in-between Twilight Zone area between the Dance side and the saloon, near the bathrooms and cigarette machine.
    "What's going on?" I asked him.
    "I don't think this relationship is going anywhere" he says, "So I think we should just be friends. What do you think?"

    I was totally blown away!!!!
    "Let's be friends."!!!!!! That's the same line Jeffrey used on me a couple of weeks ago! What had brought this on?
    Part of me didn't care. Part of me was hurt, but an even bigger part of me was pissed off.
    "Fine! If that's how you want it, OK, no problem!" I said and walked away, leaving him standing open-mouthed by the cigarette machine.

    I guess I should have talked it out with him, but at that point I was too angry.
    So I go back over to the Dance side where my friends were. The music wasn't all that great and I was just going to suggest going back over to the Saloon side and then they started playing "I'm Beatuiful, Dammit! by Uncanny Alliance. (I just love that song!)

    Steve says to me "Let's dance!" He didn't need to ask me twice. So we're all dancing in a circle. Danny is dancing all whacky, arms flailing around.
    I'm dancing like I normally do--like the Jane Fonda Workout.
    Steve dances like he's afraid he's going to make a mistake, very careful and precise. He tries too hard. He needs to cut loose a little.

    Anyway, I'm just starting to have fun when guess who I spot standing at the corner of the dance floor just staring at me?
    The man who broke my heart.
    "What have I done to deserve this, God?" I asked internally.
    I just wanted to have a good time, not deal with all this crap.

    Once he saw that I noticed him he came over and started dancing near me. Then he breaks into our little "dance circle" and is dancing right beside me.
    Steve, who was on my other side, leans over and asks "Who's this guy?"
    "Jeffrey", I reply.
    "The guy who broke up with you last month?"
    So the song ended and I start to walk off the dance floor and he says "Jim, can I talk to you?"
    "Awww jeez! What is it now!" I'm thinking, "Well, OK, let's just get it over with."

    So I say OK and we go back to the Twilight-Zone area where I had my conversation earlier with Peter.
    So he starts saying that he misses me, and why haven't I called him, and he thought we could be friends and all this garbage.
    I stopped him short.
    I said, "Listen, you knew I was in love with you, and although you didn't say it back you led me to believe you cared at least somewhat about me.
    Then you tell me that it was just physical, just sex, and you don't want to see me anymore but that we can 'just be friends' and my heart was broken but you didn't care and then you expect me to call you and be friendly with you and be all chatty with you as nothing ever happened?! Well, I'm sorry, I can't do that. It still hurts too much.
    And as for us being 'friends', well, I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you!"
    It all came out in this great big torrent I barely had any control over.
    "I'm sorry to hear that." he said, and then added, "Well, if you change your mind, you still have my number."

    After that I really needed another drink!
    So I got a cocktail.
    After I got my drink I spot Steve talking with [his best friend] Kenny over by the Coat Check. So I go over there and they ask me what just happened and I tell them.
    "It's tough to just be friends after you've had Carnal Knowledge." Kenny said.

    Kenny wanted to dance so we go out on the Dance Floor. After a couple of minutes Steve says to me, "Don't look now, but you have an admirer."
    "Who?" I asked.
    The guy over by the lighted Hippo sign."
    So I discreetly (for me) look over and this guy who could only be described as gorgeous is staring right at me.
    He was just heavenly. Sandy blond hair, lightly tannned skin, body of death wrapped in snug blue jeans and a white tank top style undershirt [what we call a "wife beater" nowadays]. He was too far away for me to see what color his eyes were--not that it mattered.
    "What should I do?" I asked Steve.
    "What do you think? Go over and talk to him, dummy!".

    He was standing over by those tiny tables against the wall. So I go over by the table, set my cocktail down, take a cigarette out and pretend I didn't know where my lighter was. I was searching my pockets, cigarette dangling out of the corner of my mouth, when he reached into his pocket, grabbed his lighter and lit my cigarette for me.
    "Thanks" I said.
    "My name is Joe" he says holding out his hand. I grabbed it and shook it, and looked right into his eyes. His eyes were blue.
    "I'm Jim." I replied.
    They started playing "Mr. Vain" by Culture Beat.

      I know what I want
      And I want it now!
      I want you
      'Cause I'm Mr. Vain!
    "You wanna dance?" he says.
    "I thought you'd never ask." I said, and smiled at him.

    Well, can you guess what happened next?
    I'm dying to finish the story, but I'm running out of time, I have to start work in 10 minutes! I'll finish this story probably tomorrow.

    I've changed so much since then. I used to be so vapid. Back then my self-worth depended on if I had a boyfriend, or whether I was persued, wanted, or in demand. I was so naive, yet I thought I had all the answers. Still, the only way to truly learn is to go through it yourself.
    All living is evoloution in progress.

    Thursday, June 05, 2003

    You Oughta Know

    Yesterday started out pretty typical. Just an ordinary day. Then . . .
    Around 8-ish at work yesterday Officer Friendly* and Inspector Gadget* came into the restaraunt. They called a number of people into the Banquet Room to answer more questions.
    I was one of them.
    While this was going on Jenn, another server, was watching my table and she took very good care of my guests, gave me the tips that they left, and bussed my tables for me. She went above and beyond, and I really appriciated it. (Thanx, hon!)
    Anyway, remember that packet I told you they made me fill out the last time they were there? Well, they had me go over it again, and asked me to remember exactly everything that happened that night in minute detail.

    OK, just for an exercize, pick a day at work last week and see if you can recreate or remember exactly everything you did that day, and everything you saw or experienced.
    Go ahead. I'll wait.
    Here's my point: unless your work is rich and varied and you do different, exciting, and interesting things every day, one day at work is pretty much like another.
    Certainly, different things happen different days and some days are better (sometimes much better) than others, but remembering every little detail is dammned difficult. If something unusual or out of the ordinary occurred I probably would have noticed it, and that's what I told the police.
    Anyway, they gave me a card and said if I remembered anything else or had any information to call. I doubt I'll be calling, 'cause I told them everything I know. Hopefully, the'll be content with that and leave me alone in the future.

    Trying to make plans for Pride Weekend which is coming up real soon. The Baltimore Gay Life newspaper usually publishes a "Pride Guide" but I haven't seen any lying around.
    I guess I'll be existential.

    ---(*not their real names)

    Wednesday, June 04, 2003

    Bits and Pieces

    • The police still have no clue as to who stole the money from the safe at my restaraunt. They must have a list of suspects a mile long though, 'cause they gave 4 other employees the same questionaire packet that I had to fill out.
      They haven't asked me to come in for further questioning yet, so I can only conclude that:
      a) They don't think I know anything more than I've told them already or
      b) They will question me later after they get more facts/clues.
      I'll keep everyone posted of any developments.

    • The countdown continues! 9 more days at my current job. Time keeps on slippin' slippin' slippin'.

    • Serendipity 2 is still under construction. The last estimate for date of completion is 14 days, so I'll have a few days of rest between jobs.
      I'll think of it as a much needed vacation.

    • I stopped by The Quest last night and played pool, which I haven't done in quite awhile.
      I wasn't exactly "Minnesota Fats" (more like "Virginia Slims"), but I played pretty well.

    • Back to work again today. It's almost over so I can take anything that happens.
      Bring it on!

    Tuesday, June 03, 2003

    Just Can't Get Enough

    Okay, it's official-- "Skin Season" is finally here at last!
    So break out your tank tops and shorts. Skin is in!

    Yesterday the weather can only be described as "glorious". Blue skies, sunshine, so bright and clear you can almost see forever.
    It's weather like this that makes me want to be having a picnic in a meadow near a lake in the country somewhere so the sunlight can magnify the natural beauty of the trees, the grass and the water.
    I can stand "natural settings" like that in only small doses, though. Stick me in a cabin in a remote place and in a very short period of time I'd be going stir-crazy--no matter how beautiful it is.

    Anyway, yesterday was a great day to have off. I spent the earlier part of the day checking the email and puttering around the house. It was too nice of a day to stay indoors, though, so I decided to wander around downtown.
    I saw a bunch of tourists while I was down there. They must've been from Kansas or Omaha or something because they were looking up and around like they never saw buildings before. But I guess I would too, so I tried not to snigger at them.
    I stopped by Serendipity to talk with Jeff. Everything's still a go regarding me working at the new place. There's still no definite date for the Grand Opening, though.

    Later, I went to The Drinkery for a cocktail.


    I confess, I went there more to see my boy Jason than to have a drink.
    "Jimmy!" he exclaimed when he saw me and he came over and embraced me. It felt so good I didn't want to let go. His smile was better than amphetamines, and worse than heroin. I mean, I was in a pretty good mood before I got there, but seeing him made me feel like I was high. It would be so easy for me to get addicted.
    This is why I am just crazy about Jason: He looks in my eyes when we talk and he doesn't avert his gaze. He pays attention. It's like he sees me more thouroughly and deeply than anyone I've known.
    He listens when I speak, waits for me to finish and thinks about what I've said before he replies. (That's very refreshing, 'cause alot of people I know interrupt me, or finish my scentences for me. I really hate that.)
    And those hugs, those wonderful, fabulous, incredible embraces that squeeze me so tightly and so warmly. For those couple of minutes he's holding me it's like he doesn't want me to get loose. It's indescribable.
    And it's not sexual, despite how it might sound. There's some kind of bond between us. We're connected somehow. I think he feels it too.
    I'm not going to analyze it too much. It was just really nice to see him, but then again it always is.
    I made sure to get another "hug treatment" before I left.
    I just can't get enough!

    After that I went home for a little bit and tried to watch TV but nothing held my interest for long. Around 11 I went to leon's for a cocktail. There was vodka in the freezer, so I didn't have to go out, but I didn't feel like staying at home. I went home 2 drinks later, buzzin' like a bee and ready for dreamland.
    I'm off again today, too. I don't have anything planned so I'll just have to see what happens.
    It'll be an adventure!

    Monday, June 02, 2003

    No More Drama

    Everybody I know is going through all this drama.
    Evictions, terminations, muggings, drugs, you name it.
    It's like everyone's lives suddenly went totally crazy or something.
    I am not a part of any of it, though.
    I am the calm cool center, the eye of the hurricane.

    And I will never say "I wish something exciting would happen" again!
    If anyone hears me utter this scentence you have my permission to hit me over the head.
    With the heaviest object you can find.

    Anyway, lately I've been the comforter, the listener, the advice-giver. It's not a bad role and I like to help, and their my friends so I want to help, but . . .
    is it terrible to say I'm getting kind of tired of it?

    If I want drama I can always watch the TV.

    Sunday, June 01, 2003

    Do You Have Superpowers?

    Faster than a speeding bullet? Bust down a door with your bare hands? Soar above the clouds?
    Well, maybe not, but there are many people who might have super powers and just don't realize it.
    One of them could be you!
    • Have you ever been on a bus or train and noticed that time went by faster if you fell asleep?
    • Have you gone to bed , only to wake up seemingly minutes later, yet hours have passed?
    • Have you stood in any line, only to have the one you just got out of move quicker?
    • Have you ever reached into your pocket and found money that wasn't there before?
    • Have friends ever called you seconds before you were about to call them?
    • Do you have an uncanny ability to predict events in the immediate future--say, five seconds from now?
    • Do "accidents" seem to happen whenever you're around?

      Then you have super powers! Harness them for good.
      Get yourself a pair of tights and a Super-hero name (not "Wonder Boy" though--that's taken!) and you're all set.

    Be careful: Flying and other such powers are only make-believe and should never be attempted, unless you're dreaming.

    Just Like That

    I just recieved an email from my buddy Fireguy who's not doing very well lately.
    I mean we've all been there haven't we?
    Sometimes life pulls this "domino effect" on you. First it's one minor thing, then another, and then before you know it, like a house of cards it all starts falling apart.
    He said he misses me and thinks about me alot and asked me to write him, so that's what I'm gonna do now.
    Then I gotta go get ready for work.

    I've been thinking about changing my blog template. Sometime soon I'm going to Blogskins to see if I can find something interesting.
    I'm defin'ly changing my logo. I'm getting kind of tired of this one. I'm working on that now.
    Any design ideas would be appriciated.