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Life is only what you wonder.

Friday, June 06, 2003

Every Day I Write The Book

I have a set of journals going back about 15 years. I've written in some kind of journal since I was 14, but I stopped after I created this blog, 'cause what would be the point?

Anyway, it's a total mind-warper when I take one out and start reading it.
I start reading and it's like OMG! I remember that! Holy $#*%!
Here's an entry from 9 years ago.
It's kind of long, so make a sandwich and grab a refreshing beverage.
(Text in brackets [ ] are comments or explanations not included in the original entry.)

    Friday, June 3rd, 1994 -- 10:10AM
I haven't written in awhile. I've got lots of stories, but the one I want to tell most happened just last night.

Yesterday was Men's Night at the Hippo and I decided since I wasn't working that I would go out.
I spoke with Peter [my boyfriend] earlier on the phone and he said he'd meet me there. It had been a couple of days since I've seen him, or schedules have been whacky lately, so I was looking forward to it.
Anyway, as soon as I walk in I see my friend Steve who was there with his friend Danny.
(Danny is so cute, but it's obvious he's not interested so I'm not going to waste my time swooning over him.)
My friend Mike was there too.
So, I got a screwdriver from Gary [the bartender] and we're hanging out in the Eager Street Saloon area by the pool tables having some good conversation and every couple of minutes I'm looking around for Peter, but there's no sign of him.
So, time passes and we're bored and we decide to go over to the Dance side. So we're still talking about I-Can't-Remember-What and I feel someone grab me from behind. So I turn around and it's Peter.

"Hey!" I said, happy to see him.
The look on his face sobered me instantly.
He says, "I need to talk to you." and I'm thinking "Uh-oh! Something's up."
Before I could even say "OK" he kind of pulls me by my arm and leads me to the sort of in-between Twilight Zone area between the Dance side and the saloon, near the bathrooms and cigarette machine.
"What's going on?" I asked him.
"I don't think this relationship is going anywhere" he says, "So I think we should just be friends. What do you think?"

I was totally blown away!!!!
"Let's be friends."!!!!!! That's the same line Jeffrey used on me a couple of weeks ago! What had brought this on?
Part of me didn't care. Part of me was hurt, but an even bigger part of me was pissed off.
"Fine! If that's how you want it, OK, no problem!" I said and walked away, leaving him standing open-mouthed by the cigarette machine.

I guess I should have talked it out with him, but at that point I was too angry.
So I go back over to the Dance side where my friends were. The music wasn't all that great and I was just going to suggest going back over to the Saloon side and then they started playing "I'm Beatuiful, Dammit! by Uncanny Alliance. (I just love that song!)

Steve says to me "Let's dance!" He didn't need to ask me twice. So we're all dancing in a circle. Danny is dancing all whacky, arms flailing around.
I'm dancing like I normally do--like the Jane Fonda Workout.
Steve dances like he's afraid he's going to make a mistake, very careful and precise. He tries too hard. He needs to cut loose a little.

Anyway, I'm just starting to have fun when guess who I spot standing at the corner of the dance floor just staring at me?
The man who broke my heart.
"What have I done to deserve this, God?" I asked internally.
I just wanted to have a good time, not deal with all this crap.

Once he saw that I noticed him he came over and started dancing near me. Then he breaks into our little "dance circle" and is dancing right beside me.
Steve, who was on my other side, leans over and asks "Who's this guy?"
"Jeffrey", I reply.
"The guy who broke up with you last month?"
So the song ended and I start to walk off the dance floor and he says "Jim, can I talk to you?"
"Awww jeez! What is it now!" I'm thinking, "Well, OK, let's just get it over with."

So I say OK and we go back to the Twilight-Zone area where I had my conversation earlier with Peter.
So he starts saying that he misses me, and why haven't I called him, and he thought we could be friends and all this garbage.
I stopped him short.
I said, "Listen, you knew I was in love with you, and although you didn't say it back you led me to believe you cared at least somewhat about me.
Then you tell me that it was just physical, just sex, and you don't want to see me anymore but that we can 'just be friends' and my heart was broken but you didn't care and then you expect me to call you and be friendly with you and be all chatty with you as nothing ever happened?! Well, I'm sorry, I can't do that. It still hurts too much.
And as for us being 'friends', well, I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you!"
It all came out in this great big torrent I barely had any control over.
"I'm sorry to hear that." he said, and then added, "Well, if you change your mind, you still have my number."

After that I really needed another drink!
So I got a cocktail.
After I got my drink I spot Steve talking with [his best friend] Kenny over by the Coat Check. So I go over there and they ask me what just happened and I tell them.
"It's tough to just be friends after you've had Carnal Knowledge." Kenny said.

Kenny wanted to dance so we go out on the Dance Floor. After a couple of minutes Steve says to me, "Don't look now, but you have an admirer."
"Who?" I asked.
The guy over by the lighted Hippo sign."
So I discreetly (for me) look over and this guy who could only be described as gorgeous is staring right at me.
He was just heavenly. Sandy blond hair, lightly tannned skin, body of death wrapped in snug blue jeans and a white tank top style undershirt [what we call a "wife beater" nowadays]. He was too far away for me to see what color his eyes were--not that it mattered.
"What should I do?" I asked Steve.
"What do you think? Go over and talk to him, dummy!".

He was standing over by those tiny tables against the wall. So I go over by the table, set my cocktail down, take a cigarette out and pretend I didn't know where my lighter was. I was searching my pockets, cigarette dangling out of the corner of my mouth, when he reached into his pocket, grabbed his lighter and lit my cigarette for me.
"Thanks" I said.
"My name is Joe" he says holding out his hand. I grabbed it and shook it, and looked right into his eyes. His eyes were blue.
"I'm Jim." I replied.
They started playing "Mr. Vain" by Culture Beat.

    I know what I want
    And I want it now!
    I want you
    'Cause I'm Mr. Vain!
"You wanna dance?" he says.
"I thought you'd never ask." I said, and smiled at him.

Well, can you guess what happened next?
I'm dying to finish the story, but I'm running out of time, I have to start work in 10 minutes! I'll finish this story probably tomorrow.

I've changed so much since then. I used to be so vapid. Back then my self-worth depended on if I had a boyfriend, or whether I was persued, wanted, or in demand. I was so naive, yet I thought I had all the answers. Still, the only way to truly learn is to go through it yourself.
All living is evoloution in progress.