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Life is only what you wonder.

Saturday, July 19, 2003

Up And Down And All Around

My mood has been all over the place lately. Stop this roller coaster-- I want to get off!

First, I'm deleriously happy (for no reason I can fathom), then later I'm so depressed I don't know what to do with myself.
Right now I'm kind of numb, like I don't feel anything.
As if I've used up all my emotions the past few days and the bucket needs time to fill up or something.

I hate, despise, and detest my job.
I work hard when I'm there, though--not for any love of the place but for the money it brings me.
It's just every day it gets harder and harder to walk through those doors, to put that apron on and greet the new guests that walk through the door.
My "work smile" is as phoney as a brass transistor.
The new restaraunt won't be opening until September 1st (or so) so I'm just going to stick it out, just grit my teelth, bite my tongue, and take it like a man.
Finding a new job only to work there a month when my dream job will be starting soon doesn't make much sense to me.

Also, things at the old homestead haven't been going very well lately either.
I've avoided blogging about it because it's depressing and I think part of me whas trying to not see things that were/are happening.
It's called denial.
The relationship and the relating with the husband lately has been strained, distant and weird--and that's putting it nicely.
We hardly even talk that much anymore. When we're both at home I'm in one room and he's in another. I don't know what's going to happen with us.
That story I wrote wasn't "fiction". It was true.
So I'm upset and anxious about that as well.

So, basically on all levels things are getting tough.
So I'll do what I always do, work as hard as I can to make things better and try to put on a brave face and not let things get me down.
"You're like a cat, Jimmy," I tell myself optimistically, "you always land on your feet."
And I will this time, too, no matter what happens.

I have no idea what the future's gonna bring.
You'll know when I do.