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Life is only what you wonder.

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

It Ain't Easy Being Cheesy

An exclusive interview with McCheese, Mayor of McDonaldland.

Everyone has been asking "Whatever happened to Mayor McCheese?" so I tracked him down at his local watering hole in the seedier part of McDonaldland, and after consuming mass quantites of grain alcohol, he finally granted me this interview.

    Wonder Boy: Thanks for taking the time for this interview, Mayor McCheese.

    Mayor McCheese: No problem. No problem at all! When you said it was for your blog, I figured no one reads it anyway, so what harm could it do?

    WB: Um,OK. (pause) Anyway, you've been out of the spotlight for some time. Any reason for that?

    MMcC: There were all these rumors out there about me and the Fry Guys, all untrue of course. Still, my lawyers advised me to lay low for a little while.

    WB: You and the Fry Guys? I guess I could see how that could happen. They are pretty tasty.

    MMcC: And they're super-sized.

    WB: How do you get along with Ronald? You guys are never seen together anymore.

    MMcC: We used to be great pals. But then he stopped calling, stopped coming around as much. He started spending all his time with the children. He was always playing with them, showing them his magic tricks. He's worse than Michael Jackson!

    WB: Wait a minute. Are you saying Ronald is . . .

    MMcC: All I know is I heard a rumor that Ronald told a little boy there was a Happy Meal hidden somewhere in his big clown pants and asked him if he wanted to try and find it. That's all I'm saying about it.

    WB: OK, then! On to other things. I'm curious, after all this time why hasn't anything been done to stop the crime-spree of the Hamburgler?

    MMcC: There wasn't any need. Look at the statistics: Not once in his entire hamburger-stealing career has he ever gotten away with it. He's always caught in the act. He's obviously not trying to steal hamburgers at all.

    WB: Huh! I never thought of that.

    MMcC: What you have to understand is the Hamburgler wants to get caught, that way he can be punished. He's a kinky little bastard.

    WB: I just realized we haven't seen Birdie in some time. Whatever happened to her?

    MMcC: She just vanished one day. I say good riddance! "Early bird", my buns! She may have seemed sweet and cute on TV, but she was a total bee-yotch before her first cup of coffee. What a shrew!

    WB: Maybe you can answer a question that's been on my mind for some time. Just what the Hell is Grimace supposed to be?

    MMcC: To tell the truth, I have no idea! Only he knows, and he's not telling.