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Life is only what you wonder.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

The Gay Spiral

Angel, Angel, down we go!Certain things are inevitable, like death and taxes. Other things are merely predictable, perceived by those who know what to expect, simply by observing what has happened before.

This is the Gay Spiral. Not every gay man will go down this path, but many, many will.

Step 1: The End Of Innocence-
You realize you're attracted to the same sex.
Holy smoke!
The thought both arouses you and sickens you, thrills you and terrifies you.
Even though you haven't done anything yet, your innocence is over.
Gone. Kaput.
You will never be the same again.

Step 2: Hiding and Shame-
Perhaps you're one of the very few lucky ones to grow up in an environment where homosexuality wasn't frowned upon for religious or "moral" reasons, you had positive gay role models to pattern yourself after, and your family was loving and supportive.
Congratulations!
Most people don't have it so easy.
Being told that homosexuals are sick, perverted, nasty, and sinful and then realizing you're one of "those people" takes alot to get over.

Step 3: The "I'm Bi" Phase-
It's only half as bad as being gay, right?
You try to convince yourself that you like women too, even though you've only dated them rarely and had sex with a woman only once, with less than stellar results.
(Also known as the "You'll be gay in 6 months" phase.)

Step 4: The Idealistic Phase-
You read every book on homosexuality you can find, especially about Great Homosexuals Throughout History.
"Alexander the Great was one! So were Richard the Lionhearted, Oscar Wilde and Leonardo da Vinci!"
You're not really "in the scene" yet.
You hope to achieve the homo version of the hetero ideal--find the man of your dreams and live happily ever after.

Step 5: Limited Dating & Random Hook-Ups-
You date 3 or 4 different guys a week and sleep with most of them.
You're young and having fun and your appointment book is always full.
You're enjoying yourself, but you think there must be something more.
You want a real boyfriend.

Step 6: Your First Boyfriend-
You find someone to date who'll put up with you.
You're overjoyed.
You have a boyfriend so that makes you "complete". You love saying the words "my boyfriend" and it's nice to have someone to hold hands with and have on your arm at the club.
Your single friends will be saying "Since he found a boyfriend he's not as much fun as he used to be." but you know they're just envious.

Step 7: Break Up!-
For whatever reason you and your boyfriend break up.
You're crying and emotional. Your a big ol' mess.
You don't know if you can ever love again, and anyway, what's the point? How could anyone love you--you're so unlovable!
Eventually, you get over it, and dust yourself off.
Now you're ready for further punishment!

Step 8: How Sweet! Fresh Meat!-
Now that you're over the break up, it's time to get back out there!
Once more into the breach!
There are hundreds of hot men out there, and alot of them want to sleep with you!
You become a crazy club whore.

Step 9: Ready To Settle Down-
You're tired of all the empty sex. You want someone to spend the rest of your life with. You find it's not that easy to find a guy, a "quality guy" (whatever that means), but you're determined to try anyway.

Step 10: Long Term Relationship-
You've found The Man. He's definitely The One. Mr. Right.
Before you know it, you're living together with both your names on the lease. You're buying furniture together and picking out tile samples for the bathroom.
Enjoy it while it lasts.

Step 11: Break Up! (Reprise)-
Repeat Step 7, only with greater intensity and length, then move forward to . . .

Step 12: It's Raining Men!-
So many boys, so little time!
But the dating game isn't as fun as you remember, though, as guy after guy passes through your door.

[Repeat Steps 9-12 over again (and sometimes again and again) until you inevitably reach . . . ]

Step 13: Jaded!-
You're tired of the game.
You are now jaded and keep to yourself. You don't want to be around anyone except people as jaded as you are. Especially not "happy couples". And you certainly don't want to hear anything about love!
Love? There's no such thing!

Step 14: Attitude Adjustment-
You realize your attitude isn't really attractive. Some of your idealism starts to come back.
Only some of it though.
(That's the worst thing about the Spiral, you can only go back a few spaces, and even when you do, it's never the same.)
You also realize you're not getting any younger, so if you're going to do it, it had better be now.

Step 15: It's Raining Men! (Reprise)-
There is a picture of you by the word "slut" in the dictionary.

[Go back to Step 9, or continue onward to . . .]

Step 16: The Dark Pit of Bitterness and Depression-
You spend alot of time at the bar drinking, but you don't try to pick anyone up.
You watch alot of porn and your right hand is your best friend (unless you're left-handed.)
Luckily, just like Pandora's Box, hope shines brightly like a diamond at the very bottom.

[At this point, you can either stay where you are, go back to Step 14, or if you're a glutton for punishment, go back to Step 9.]


Disclaimer: The Gay Spiral is not suitable for all guys. Consult your therapist before undertaking the Gay Spiral. Some side-effects, such as increased alcohol, nicotine, or drug consumption may occur.