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Life is only what you wonder.

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Thankful

Thanksgiving is almost here, which means X-Mas is just around the corner and I'm dreading it all.

I both love and hate the Holidays with a passion that defies description.
I know that it's because I have no contact with my family is the reason why I feel so strongly about it.
Most times I don't even think about it. It's an old wound that I've allowed to heal. But there's still an ugly scar there and every Holiday season I'm vividly reminded of it.
I want to call my mom and talk to her so much! She's my Mom, you know?
But it's been (how many?) years since I spoke with her. What do I say to her now?
I'm almost in tears right now just thinking about it.
It wounded me to the core when I was disowned and thrown out of the house and I don't know if I can allow myself to go through that again.
Still, how many more years am I going to wait?
I've got to do something about this, before more time goes by.

Anyway, the plans are all set. We're going over to my niece's (she's actually G.'s niece, but she calls me "Uncle Jimmy", so I guess that makes her my niece too) for Thanksgiving dinner with the rest of G.'s family, and then everyone's coming over to our house(!!) for cocktails, coffee, and dessert.
I've been cleaning and painting, and baking, and shopping and doing everything I can to make it special.

As I was sipping my third Apple Martini at The Drinkery last night (and thinking I should have probably stopped at two) I realized that I have much to be thankful for.
For starters, I'm still alive!
I have a job I like and that I'm good at. I have a house and somewhere to lay my head. I have a man in my life that I love very much.
What have I got? I've got alot!
And I'm thankful for all of it-- each and every day.

Have a great Turkey Day, everyone!