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Life is only what you wonder.

Friday, January 09, 2004

Some People I Know

Lonnie* just turned 16 and he doesn't know what he is. He desperately wants to be straight, but he secretly suspects he has gay tendencies and he's petrified. He doesn't even want to consider the fact that he might be gay. He's in denial.
Lonnie reminds me of me when I was about 13 years old. By the time I turned 16 I had already accepted the fact that I was gay, I just didn't know what I was going to do about it.
Still, I know what he's going through. Accepting yourself is the most difficult aspect of coming out.

Kirk* tries too hard to make people think he's this big ladies man. He brags to anyone who will listen about how much play he's getting from various girls. To hear Kirk talk he's the king of the studs.
The girls he dates tell a completely different story. They say he never made a move on them and when they tried to pursue something physical he always gave a lame excuse why he couldn't "hit that".
He tells his stories and my Bullshit Detector (patent pending) goes off like a siren. It's so loud I can barely make out what he's trying to tell me.
Kirk knows very well he has tendencies, but he's afraid of it. He's got to prove to everyone he's this big macho man, but what he's really trying to do is convince himself.
I was around 14 when I went through this.
"If anyone finds out I'm gay my life will be over!" I remember thinking at the time.
Thankfully, that phase didn't last long at all. I had to be true to myself.

Lance* knows very well he's gay. He even has a boyfriend.
Lance is living a double life.
At work, with his family and with his straight friends he's totally straight and tells phony stories about various girls he goes out with. With his gay friends, his boyfriend, or at the gay bar he can "let his hair down" and "be himself".
He says his parents "wouldn't be able to handle it" if they knew. He's afraid his straight friends would drop him like a hot potato if they knew. He takes great pains to make sure nothing about him could label him as gay. This is a full-time job.
He spends a lot of his life in fear.
I never went through this. Once I was out, I came out with a vengeance. If you want to be a part of my life, you have to accept me the way I am.
I demanded it.
Plus, you have to have a really good memory to lie all the time. Sooner or later you slip up, and everything comes falling down like a house of cards.

Coming out wasn't easy. It's not easy for anybody.
But it was a necessary thing for me.

If I try to be like somebody else, who's going to be like me?

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, namely me. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.