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Life is only what you wonder.

Sunday, February 29, 2004

Make It Quick

    Some "quickies" for today:

  • I just found out that absinthe is legal in Canada. You can go into a bar and order a glass, (poured over a slotted spoon containing a sugar cube, just like Toulouse used to drink them) for around ten Canadian dollars.
    Ah, the Green Fairy. I've been dying to try some ever since I saw Moulin Rouge.

  • Raspberry chai tea lattes are the most delicious things in the world.
    Like a little taste of heaven in a cup with foam on top.

  • I can't believe it's all over.

  • "Boss" is the new "cool".
    Pass it on.

  • When in the hell is Cher going to stop touring?

  • What's wrong Mary? Cat got your tongue?

  • Should I "shake it like a salt shaka", or "shake it like a Polaroid picture"?
    I'm so confused.

Saturday, February 28, 2004

Do I Know You?

Recently, I went to Leon's for a quick one and as soon as I walk in I spot T.J. sitting across the bar.
T.J. and I were . . .What the hell do I call it?
We weren't "friends" -- not really.
And we certainly weren't "boyfriends".
The proper term is "f-ck buddies" and I guess that's a good of a title as any.
We were guys who were very friendly to one another and we screwed around. A lot.
Not that I hadn't wanted more from it.

At first, our "arrangement" was OK.
Wonderful actually.
T.J. is a really sexy guy and our "encounters" were always exciting and totally hot.
BUT (and it's a really big one) I can't just have sex without feelings building up in me. I'm not built that way.
If it's a one-time thing, sure, no problem! Wine me, dine me, sixty-nine me.
If it happens over and over (and over) again, that's a whole 'nother story.
I don't think of it as a flaw, it's just the way I am.

After awhile I wanted more than just hot sex--I wanted a boyfriend.
T.J. and made it Very Plain when we first began our fling that he wanted no. emotional. attachments.
Not one to flog a dead horse, I broke it off.
When you're emotionally invested in someone and they're not, it's a sign you need to move on. Things can get really messy otherwise.
I'm speaking from experience here.

Anyway, he was there. I hadn't seen him in over five years. He was with his new boyfriend and when I walked in his head turned and our eyes met.
Instant recognition. He knew very well who I was.
Then he looked away.
Doris, my favorite barmaid, knew what the score was.
She looked at me and raised her eyebrow. I looked at her and shrugged.
Honestly, it wasn't that big of a deal, really.
T.J. wasn't the first guy I've ever pretended not to know.

Friday, February 27, 2004

When I Step Inside The Place To Be, All The Ladies Fall In Love

The last couple of days have been pretty good.
It's been just busy enough at the restaraunt so I always have something do do and I'm making money, but not so busy that I'm running around like a crazy person.
No bitches.

The other day I went out and got some Axe deoderant / body spray. According to the advertising, it's supposed to make all the girls swoon.
Well, they weren't kidding. I had to practically beat them off with a stick.
Then again, I sort of have that problem anyway. All the girls at work are always rubbing all over me, touching me, grabbing my butt. It can get annoying sometimes.
"Get off of me, I'm not a piece of meat!"
All the straight boys are jealous, but they really shouldn't be. It's not like I'm doing anything with any of them.
They're my "sisters", you know?
A couple of girls have even offered to bear my children.
I have to admit, I've considered it. I figure all I'd need is a copy of Blueboy and a turkey baster and I'm all set.
Having kids id a pretty big step, though. I don't think I'm ready for that quite yet.

They're doing work on the water main, so there's no running water all along my block.
This means no showers or baths, and I'm brushing my teeth and shaving with bottled water.
The worst thing about it is that I can't flush the friggin' toilet.
The water's only been off since last night and already the commode is full of . . .
well, you can guess what it's full of.
Shit happens.
I was told it would be on by this afternoon.
The first thing I'm doing (after I flush the toilet) is filling up some empty gallon jugs with water and putting them in the basement. If this ever happens again I can at least fill the toilet tank.
Not being able to flush is just foul.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

"With This Ring . . ."

    Rights denied committed gay couples:
    Same-sex couples who are prohibited from marrying are excluded from a panoply of legal benefits specifically tied to legally recognized marriage: for example, access to a spouse's medical, life and disability insurance; hospital visitation and medical decision-making privileges, workers' compensation survivor benefits; spousal benefits under annuity and retirement plan, the right to refuse to testify against one's spouse, and many others.
    These instances of discrimination based on the preference for legally married couples effect many people negatively when they least expect it.
    Unmarried heterosexual couples, however, have the option of being legally married. Same-sex couples have no such recourse.
    What the Constiution says about gay marriage:
    Nowhere in the Declaration of Independence or the Constitution is "preservation of tradition" cited as a power or intention of our government.
    There is no constitutional basis for denying gay couples marriage, and every constitutional reason why our government should actively pursue legalizing gay marriage -- in order to give gay men and lesbians their rights as equal citizens of the United States and to ensure their inalienable right to the pursuit of happiness that every American is guaranteed.
    Our government's purpose is to defend the rights of the people, and in this instance our government has undoubtedly failed in its duties.
    At one time it was considered perverted and unnatural for black and white people to want to marry each other. Despite protests from the prejudiced, the Supreme Court defended the rights of the people.
    In this day and age, who would say that a black and a white should not be allowed to marry?
    It would be considered the height of bad taste and racial prejudice. I am confident that after gay marriage is legalized, it will soon be considered just as prejudiced to say that they should not have that right as it is today to say that different races should not marry.
    Gay marriage, or civil unions?
    In Vermont a court recently legalized not marriage for gays, but a “civil union” which affords same-sex couples all the rights and privileges of married couples, but without calling it “marriage.”
    While I applaud Vermont’s court system for this step in the right direction, a new institution for gay couples is not the answer. It simply affirms their second-class status in American society.
    In the Supreme Court case Brown vs. The Board of Education, the policy of “separate but equal” with regard to race was struck down as being unconstitutional, because separate can never be equal.
    Creating a separate institution for gay couples is just as unequal and unconstitutional as creating separate institutions for blacks and whites.
Shamelessly stolen from the website In Defense of Gay Marriage by Leah Moore

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Straight Up

I love talking to other people because it gives you a different (if somewhat bizarre) new perspective on things.
For example:
My buddy Playboy (he's totally straight, but I don't hold that against him--he can't help it) is defin'ly what you would call a playa. I won't go so far as to say that if you look up "playa" in your dictionary, you'll see his photo, but the boy gets alot of tail.
Anyway, I was talking to him yesterday and he was telling me that he and his buddy were going to pick up this girl, take her to his apartment and do her.
"Both of you at once?" I asked.
"Yeah. She's a nympho, yo!"
"Isn't that a little . . .Queer?" I queried.
"Hell, no. As long as you don't go breakin' the rules."
Then he went on to tell me the rules for straight two-guys / one-girl sex.
I will list those rules here-- for educational purposes, of course.
    The Unspoken Rules For Straight Two Guys / One Girl Sex

  1. No looking - You can look at the girl all you want, but you shouldn't even glance at the other guy. You should pretend that he's not even there.
    If you look at him you will instantly turn to stone.
    If you absolutely must look in order to avoid breaking rules 3 and/or 5 then it should be the most briefest of gances and definitely with . . .

  2. No eye contact - It's pretty much self-explanatory.

  3. Absolutely no touching - The guys' bodies must never come in contact with one another.
    Think of you as matter and the other guys as antimatter -- even the briefest contact and BOOM!
    This also means no high-fives. This isn't a tag-team wrestling match.

  4. No Talking - If you speak at all, any words you utter should be directed to the girl.
    (i.e. "Take it all, bitch!")

  5. Don't get anything on the other guy - Orgasmic fluids should be in (or on) the girl, or somewhere else.
    Under no circumstances should even one drop of your spooge come in contact with the other guy.
    This includes leaving a puddle somewhere that could be stepped in.
This is definitely something I never would have figured out on my own.

Sunday, February 22, 2004

I've Got A Pocket Full Of Kryptonite

When you're a waiter, it's your service that makes you your money, not what section your in, but it's a definite fact that some sections are better than others.
Some tables turn faster, some are closer to the wait station, you get the picture.
I had been in kind of crappy sections all week and I was looking forward to a good section.
I was expecting it.
So yesterday when I strolled in to work I saw that I was in the back of the restaurant near the Banquet Room --yet again! I was just in that section the day before yesterday!
I totally went off.
I hardly ever lose my temper, so whenever I do people are just amazed. I went to Cathy, the manager, and gave her a piece of my mind.
She's so unapologetic. She basically said she already posted it and she wasn't going to change it.
I was so pissed when she walked away, I nearly threw something at her.
So yesterday just sucked.
I made decent money anyway, but that's not the point.

This waiter at work, D., who always acted all stuck up and pompous, like he was so much better than not just me, but everyone else. Like he's God's gift to the world.
Everyone knows someone like that, I guess.
So I naturally came to the conclusion that he was just an 100% asshole. I don't have to like someone to work with them, so he was just someone who was there, you know?
Anyway, the other day D. was in the section next to mine and he was humming something--something that sounded somewhat familiar, so I asked him what it was. It turned out to be Eve 6, one of my favorite bands, and amazingly, one of his.
Before I knew it we were having an actual conversation, something I never expected to happen--ever.
We ended up talking so long the Head Wait, Linda, came over and said,
"Come on, guys, get your stuff done. I want to go home sometime tonight."
I doubt we'll ever be best friends or anything, but he turned out to be somewhat OK, once he deflated his ego a little.

I just got a surprise email from my old buddy Riki whom I haven't spoken with in several years.
I just finished writing him back.
That's just cool.

Saturday, February 21, 2004

Do I . . .

Smoke: Yep
Do drugs: Aside from liquor, no
Have sex: As much as I can
Sleep with stuffed animals: Not since I was a child
Live in the moment: yes
Had a dream that keeps coming back: Not for awhile
Play an instrument: The stereo
Believe there is life on other planets: Possibly
Remember your first love: Absoloutely
Still love your first love: No
Read the newspaper: Only the funnies, Liz Smith, movie reviews, advice columns and Hints From Heloise
Have any gay or lesbian friends: Duh!
Believe in miracles: I wouldn't rule it out
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever: Nothing lasts forever
Consider yourself tolerant of others: Very much so
Consider love a mistake: Never. Love is never unwise
Like the taste of alcohol: I drink enough of it, so I guess I must
Have a favorite candy: Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
Believe in astrology: I want to believe, but part of me thinks it's baloney
Believe in God: I belive in a Higher Power, call it "God" if you need to put a label on it
Believe in magic: I like to believe anything is possible
Pray: Seldom
Go to church: Never
Have any pets: Not at the moment
Talk to strangers who IM you: Sure!
Wear hats: Only if I don't feel like doing my hair
Have any piercings: No
Have any tattoos: Not yet. Soon, though
Hate yourself: Never
Have an obsession: Not really
Have a secret crush: I have a couple, actually
Collect anything: Comics
Have a best friend: yep
Wish on stars: Not really
Like your handwriting: Love it
Have any bad habits: Smoking is number one on the list
Care about looks: Not as much as I used to, but yes
Believe in witches: Yes
Believe in Satan: I believe there are Negative Forces, not neccesarily "Satan"
Believe in ghosts: Not really, but I'd believe it if I saw it.

Friday, February 20, 2004

I Sing The Body Electric

Some inventions I'd like to see.
Unwanted Sound Filtering Earplugs - They only let you hear the things you want to hear and totally filter out the rest. "I'm not trying to hear that." takes on a whole new meaning.

Coiffure Protector - Kind of like a big clear plastic bubble that goes over your head, it protects your hairdo from wind, rain, and other elements.
Making one would be pretty easy. Not looking like a total dork when wearing one is the tricky part.

Personal Space Protector - Like a force-feild, it gives someone an electric zap when they come closer than two inches from any part of your body.

Bullshit Detector - Worn like a pager, it makes a loud, obnoxious beeping noise when someone tells outrageous lies.
Everyone would have one of these.

Morality Prompter - It automatically chimes in suggesting the right thing to do when faced with an ethical dilemma.
Kind of like your own, personal, Jiminy Cricket.

Instant Sobering Device - No more designated drivers! No matter how drunk you are, activate the device and moments later you'll be stone-cold sober. It also would have the added benefit of preventing hangovers.

Rose-Colored Glasses - Everything is beautiful and lovely when you look through them. Not to be worn while driving, operating heavy machinery, or when going out tricking.

If anyone invents any of these things, they'll be an instant millionaire.

Thursday, February 19, 2004

Multiple Choice

I want to go see the movie Alexander because . . .
    A. I am facinated by anchient history.
    B. I don't know much about Alexander the Great, so it's a chance to learn something.
    C. It's sure to be a classic like Ben Hur and Sparticus.
    D. I want to see Colin Farrell and Jared Leto making out.
Do you really need an answer to this question?

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

I Know What I Know, If You Know What I Mean

    Todays tidbits:

  • If you're a fan of the show The Golden Girls, the pilot episode script is really worth reading.

  • It's difficult to be melancholy with The B-52's playing.

  • V.C. Andrews books are like a big bowl of macaroni -- very cheesy, not good for you at all, but impossible to put down once you get started.

  • This is too funny. A little sick and perverted, but funny.

  • If you're as anxious for the moolah that's coming to you as I am, go to the IRS website and ask them,
    "Where's my friggin' refund?"
A longer post later, when I have more time.

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

It Ain't No Use, You Might As Well Get Loose

We've been mad busy at the restaurant all weekend.
From Friday (Valentine's Eve) through Monday (Presidents' Day) there was nothing but lines out the door for hours.
I was supposed to have off today, but a coworker needed today off, so I went in anyway.
I figured I'd just be sittin' at home picking my nose, so why not make a couple dollas.

Please allow me to rant for just a moment:
I hate President's Day.
It's one of those "holidays" that's always on a Monday (like Memorial Day, Labor Day, and Columbus Day) and it's just an inconvenience. School is out so the rugrats are running around rampant, transit busses are on a holiday schedule, alot of businesses are closed, and God help you if you need to go to the Library for something. Mail isn't delivered either, which bites. It's not that I get alot of mail, it's just I always forget it's a holiday and I check the mailbox and there's nothing there. Then it hits me.
I remember when there wasn't a Presidents' Day. There was Washington's Birthday (February 22) and Lincoln's Birthday (February 12) and nobody got any days off. People just remembered that George and Abraham were born and went about their daily lives, going to school and learning something or going to work and earning an honest days wages.
I guess I wouldn't mind it so much, except it's one of those days when it's next to impossible for me to request off, so I end up working like a dog while the rest of the world enjoys itself.
OK, I feel better now.

I was talking to this guy at work, Tony. I had only ever spoken to him in passing. "Hello" and "Howya doin'?" and "Seeya later" was the extent of our conversations.
He seemed like a nice guy, but I never knew for sure, you know?
Anyway, we were just talking about music and I mentioned the band Dynamite Hack and he actually knew who they were and had the CD and everything, which was amazing to me because nobody I had ever talked to had even heard of them.
He told me he was a bass player in a band and when I asked what the name of the band was, he said it didn't have a name yet. Then he asked if I had any suggestions.
Ha! Finding names for things is one of my hidden talents.
Like Adam in the Garden of Eden, I could give names to all the animals and everything in the universe.
I though about it for a moment and then I suggested the name "Liquid Chicken".
Isn't that a fantastic name for a group?
"Liquid Chicken".
It just rolls of the tongue, doesn't it?
He looked a little skeptical, but he promised that he'd get back to the other members with my suggestion and see what they thought about it.
Anyway, Tony comes back at me later and said "Liquid Chicken" didn't quite work for them, but they liked the "Liquid" part and decided to call the band Liquid Nursery.
Then, he told me that since I helped name them I get a complimentary CD when they record one, and they're planning on recording one soon.
That's pretty cool.

Question of the day: Is anyone as sick of hearing about Janet Jackson's breast as I am?

Saturday, February 14, 2004

Love Is All Around US

You don't need diamond rings or 18 karat gold.
Love don't cost a thing, right?

    Here are some suggestions for you and your lover on Valentines Day:

  • You and your lover each make a list of all the qualities you love about the other and then swap lists. Take turns reading them aloud.

  • Take a hot sudsy bubblebath together.

  • Buy some peppermint lotion and give them a foot massage.

  • Make a dessert out of your lover with some chocolate syrup and whipped cream. Kind of high in calories, but oh so delicious!

  • Make a mix tape of great make-out music. Dim the lights, light some candles, and swap some spit.
I hope everyone out there has somebody special to love today.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Friday, February 13, 2004

The Negative People

Sometimes it's a pain in the ass dealing with certain people on a daily basis.
Here's a few examples of Negative People. See if you recognize any of these people in your own lives.
Two Face - They're so phoney, they should be working at AT&T.
They seem like they're kind and sympathetic, but don't bee fooled. Mention something that went awry in passing and they'll say something like "Oh, that's terrible!" or "I'm so sorry to hear that!" or "I'll say a prayer for you, bless your heart!"
The words themselves seem innocent enough, but they say them with a slight smile on their face and their tone suggests they are actually gleeful about your misfortune.
They also take great delight in playing the "he said / she said" game, trying to provoke an argument between people and then sitting back and watching the entertainment.

The Bitch on Wheels - She has permanent PMS.
Nothing's right. Everything Sucks. Including her attitude. She bitches about her work, her husband, her kids. There's always something to bitch about, and when there's not she'll find something.

The Sad Sack - They have more issues than a newsstand.
The Sad Sack is a sibling to the Bitch on Wheels, only instead of expressing anger, they express pathos and gloom. Gloom and doom.
The Sad Sack will tell you all of their troubles (and there are plenty of them) and then ask advice which they never take. They look at the dark side of any situation. They rain on your parade and will gladly rain on yours if you let them.

Miss Loquacious - She could talk the ears off a brass monkey.
Not as insidious as the people above, Miss Loquacious is simply annoying. She just never shuts up. She drones on and on and your eyes glaze over. Anything going through her mind comes right out of her mouth.

Mr. or Miss Fabulous - They're so fabulous (and you're so not).
They go to fabulous places, wear fabulous clothes, attend the most fabulous parties with the most fabulous people.
They deliver this "information" with a smirk, and their tone suggests "Don't you wish your life was this wonderful?"

I'm a happy peppy person and people like that just drain me. If I spend too much time around those people I feel used up, like I have no energy. Like they're sucking at my very life force like some sort of psychic vampires.
I avoid them at all costs.

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

Thought Of The Day

"Love is everything it's cracked up to be.
It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for.
And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more."

-- Erica Jong

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Nothing But Treble

I woke up today and put on some tunes and I just wailed right along.
Very refreshing.
Kind of like Karaoke, but I'm all by myself.

I was listening to the album Schubert Dip by EMF. There's something about lead singer James Atkin's breathy vocalizing that just does it for me.
And that british accent doesn't hurt either.
During "When you're Mine" when he sings the suggestive lyrics

When will you do it?
When will your hands touch me?
When will I feel yours in mine?
I get shivers.

When I listen to music I turn down the bass and pump up the treble.
I'm a lyrical type person.
If the vocals are garbled, there are no vocals, or I can't understand the words, I can't really get into the song.

I was singing Ludacris at work yesterday and one of my co-workers said to me,
"Jimmy, you is so gansta!"
It is so true!
I am so gangsta I can't hardly stand myself.
I should probably try to hook up with these guys.

I'm kind of tired after working so much this week, but luckily I'm still young so I bounce back pretty easily!

Saturday, February 07, 2004

You Can't Do That On Television

I had been wondering when penis-enlargement infomercials would be on late night TV. It seemed inevitable that it would happen sooner or later.
So it wasn't much of a surprise when I was channel surfing and saw the advertizement for ExtenZe, starring Ron Jeremy, one of the ugliest porn stars I have ever seen.

The thing that got me the most was that they never said the word "penis".
They didn't even use a euphemism like "schlong", "tool", or "member". They kept saying phrases like "that certain part of the male anatomy" and "that certain male body part" over and over again, until it became ridiculous.

"Men all over the world can now enlarge their certain male body part by up to 23%!"
Is "penis" a dirty word and nobody bothered to tell me?
You can't say "penis" on TV?

I've never worried about the size of mine. I like it, and I haven't had any complaints.
And I'm definitely not a size queen. Plus, if it's that massive, like a baseball bat, what in the hell are you going to do with it?

Friday, February 06, 2004

Someone Left The Cake Out In The Rain

I got my W-2s yesterday, took out my handy-dandy calculator and 45 minutes later--badda bing, badda boom--they were done, with stamps on them and in the mail.
The refund this year is by far the most money I've ever gotten back, so I'm thinking of all the ways I'm going to spend my money.

I was serving at the restaurant last night, and I was waiting on this guy and I noticed that he had finished his drink. So I go up to the table and ask him,
"Sir, would you like another drink?"
He replied, "I'm straight."
It took every ounce of willpower in me not to relpy,
"Really? I'm gay. Now that we got that out of the way, do you want another drink or not?"

Last night was another "wintery mix" (as the weathermen are fond of saying) of snow, sleet and freezing rain which changed to just rain sometime this morning and it's just disgusting out there.
The snow is dirty, the slush on the side of the road is black.
I'm dreading having to go out there to go to work today, but a boy's gotta do what a boy's gotta do.

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

Hurry Up And Wait

I'm waiting patiently for my W-2s to arrive so I can do my taxes.
I do my own taxes every year. Why pay $200 (or more) for Jackson Hewitt to do it, when I can do it myself for free.
Unless you have alot of itemizations, it's my belief that almost anyone can do their own taxes.
I'm not the best at math, but I certainly know how to use a calculator--and an instruction manual comes along with the tax forms.

It's supposed to be my day off today, but I'm calling work in a few minutes to see if anybody called out sick.
If so, I can probably pick up their shift.
It would put me into overtime this week though, and they hate paying overtime. If they knew how close I was to hitting it, they'd say no and call someone else but they probably won't check.
I have my fingers crossed.

Welcome back, Joey!
I missed you!

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

Hit That Perfect Beat, Boy

    Random ponderings and goings on:

  • I'm in a stupendously good mood today, despite the rain.

  • I Just put some Deee-Lite on the stereo, so I'm about to groove.

  • "Casual cleaning" of the house is on the agenda today.
    For those that don't know, "casual cleaning" is where you clean for a couple of minutes, then pause and take a rest (or sometimes a nap), then later when you feel like it, clean a little bit more.

  • I really, really, want a milkshake right now for some reason.

  • The only thing in my cabinets to eat is ramen noodles, which is good. I ate like a pig yesterday.

  • The WB has alot of hot young men on their shows, don't you think?

Monday, February 02, 2004

Who's That Guy?

Chad Michael Murray, star of the hit show One Tree Hill on the WB.

Sunday, February 01, 2004

Super Sunday

It's Super Bowl Sunday!
Yay! Right?
Actually, no. I couldn't care less.
    The only sports I watch are:

  • Men's Gymnastics during the Olympics.
    Gymnasts have the best bodies, and they're so fexible!

  • Figure skating.
    Male figure skaters have the tightest butts in the world!
    and . . .

  • Swimming.
    Sleek, smooth, toned men wearing speedos! Yowza!
I don't care who wins, it's just eye candy.

I have only the vaguest of ideas of the rules of most sports. I couldn't tell you how they score a tennis match if I tried. I don't know a triple play from a touchdown.
The following should adequately demonstrate my sports ignorance:
A guy at work called me over to ask If I wanted to buy any "blocks" for only $5 each. I'm like, "Huh?" I had no idea what the hell he was talking about.
He pulls out this piece of cardboard that was divided into squares and it apparently involved placing a bet on what the final score was.
I said thanks, but no thanks.
I couldn't even tell you who was playing in this year's Super Bowl.
It could be the Tokyo Tigers Vs. The Portugese Piranhas for all I know.

Believe it or not, I'm OK with that.