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Life is only what you wonder.

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Straight Up

I love talking to other people because it gives you a different (if somewhat bizarre) new perspective on things.
For example:
My buddy Playboy (he's totally straight, but I don't hold that against him--he can't help it) is defin'ly what you would call a playa. I won't go so far as to say that if you look up "playa" in your dictionary, you'll see his photo, but the boy gets alot of tail.
Anyway, I was talking to him yesterday and he was telling me that he and his buddy were going to pick up this girl, take her to his apartment and do her.
"Both of you at once?" I asked.
"Yeah. She's a nympho, yo!"
"Isn't that a little . . .Queer?" I queried.
"Hell, no. As long as you don't go breakin' the rules."
Then he went on to tell me the rules for straight two-guys / one-girl sex.
I will list those rules here-- for educational purposes, of course.
    The Unspoken Rules For Straight Two Guys / One Girl Sex

  1. No looking - You can look at the girl all you want, but you shouldn't even glance at the other guy. You should pretend that he's not even there.
    If you look at him you will instantly turn to stone.
    If you absolutely must look in order to avoid breaking rules 3 and/or 5 then it should be the most briefest of gances and definitely with . . .

  2. No eye contact - It's pretty much self-explanatory.

  3. Absolutely no touching - The guys' bodies must never come in contact with one another.
    Think of you as matter and the other guys as antimatter -- even the briefest contact and BOOM!
    This also means no high-fives. This isn't a tag-team wrestling match.

  4. No Talking - If you speak at all, any words you utter should be directed to the girl.
    (i.e. "Take it all, bitch!")

  5. Don't get anything on the other guy - Orgasmic fluids should be in (or on) the girl, or somewhere else.
    Under no circumstances should even one drop of your spooge come in contact with the other guy.
    This includes leaving a puddle somewhere that could be stepped in.
This is definitely something I never would have figured out on my own.