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Life is only what you wonder.

Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Don't Taunt The Substitute Teacher, Please.

Hi, my name is Chris and I've come to write some stuff for a while.

You might have read my stuff elsewhere, or you may not have. I did a couple of weblogs - one was called "Desperate Living", and the other was called "The Great Gadfly". I've written some stuff in magazines here and there and I've written and directed a couple of plays that a couple of folks got to see in New York a while back. Right now, I'm working on building up my screenwriting chops, and I'm getting ready to take courses with Second City here in Chicago this Spring.

So that's me.

When Mr. Wonder Boy invited me to post on his weblog for a few days, I must say that I was a little hesitant. I'd ranted in my own little blog world for a couple of years, and since wrapping that little venture up last year, I haven't done this kind of thing in months. And now, people are going to, like, READ what I'm saying, and some of you might even COMMENT on it. Egads!

And the most frightening part of it all is, I promised WB that I'd leave everything just the way I found it - after all, the last thing I would want to do is smear the reputation of this blog, on which Jimmy has worked so tirelessly day after day, baring his soul and sharpening his craft as a writer. It is my charge to do justice to this weblog, and by all that is right and holy, I'd sooner chop off a limb and beat myself on the head with it than to ruin the good name of this site.

Of course, having said all that, I think it's time for me to share my "101 Reasons Illicit Drugs Are Good For You" list while I wait for my naked shocker barnyard sex photos to upload. I hope you all like donkeys!

Oh, you people should know I love to kid.

To be honest, I have absolutely no clue what I'm going to write about over the next week or so. When I was first invited to do this, my first thought was to go the artsy-obtuse route. In fact, I had decided I was going to write some dry little missives about birds. I love birds, you see. Little colorful cake-decoration looking birds make me very happy. Finches make my heart melt. Cardinals are gorgeous to me. Bluejays? Sigh. So, seeing as how I never really "study" birds, I figured I'd use this invitation to research a bird a day and write the results here, because, well, I truly didn't think I had anything else to share with the world.

But then, I felt that would be terribly precious and PoMo and it's best to leave that kind of thing to Dave Eggers and people who read on National Public Radio. Not that there's anything wrong with Eggers or the NPR bunch - I'm a big fan of both - but I've come to terms with the fact that I'm a little bit more Rip Taylor than I am Rivers Cuomo. And that...is OKAY.

So after all that thought, I figured, well, why don't I just write about the stuff I used to write about when I did a blog? I pretty much only wrote about two things: music and stupid people. It was kind of like Nick Hornby's "High Fidelity", if they had turned it into a mid-season replacement TV series with Jon Cryer taking over the John Cusack role, and Will Sasso taking over the Jack Black character. I'm sure Andy Dick would have to be involved, too - he always is.

ANYway - I had a big case of the "been there done thats", and so it was back to the drawing board.

Since I quit writing a weblog of my own, I've been thinking a lot about where to take my writing next. I started out as a journalist, then veered into playwriting, then got into essay writing, then I took a while to get into maintaining a weblog. Now....?

The only thing I can think of is, these days it's very gratifying to write about IDEAS. It's less satisfying for me to write about things I've done and to tell stories about it, than it is to latch on to one particular concept or phenomenon and to put it under a microscope and see what kinds of little microscopic goblins are dancing around in the petri dish.

That was kind of vague, wasn't it?

Maybe I will write about birds after all.

Or I could just make with the dirty donkey photos.

This post is by Special Guest Blogger Chistopher.
Jimmy is currently on vacation and will return Wednesday, April 7th.

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Hello, I Must Be Going

I'm going to be on vacation for the next seven days.

I didn't want the ol' blog to be stagnant for an entire week, so I devised a cunning plan.
While I'm gone my buddy Christopher will take over as my Very Special Guest Blogger until I return.

Christopher is one of the best writers and bloggers out there. He is truly a "Wonder Boy" in his own right.
Expect great things.

I'll be back posting in here on April 8th.
Tally Ho!

Sunday, March 28, 2004

I Get Letters!

From: Gary Michael (bonerdoner11@yahoo.com)
To: Wonder Boy (wonderboy@writeme.com)
Subject: Great site
Date: Fri, 26 Mar 2004 16:04:08 (PST)

Please write me back, I have an offer for you. You are adorable!

. . .

From: Wonder Boy (wonderboy@writeme.com)
To: Gary Michael (bonerdoner11@yahoo.com)
Date: Fri, 26 Mar 2004 16:54:02 (PST)
Subject: Re: Great site

Thanks for the compliment.
What kind of offer?
. . .

From: Gary Michael (bonerdoner11@yahoo.com)
To: Wonder Boy (wonderboy@writeme.com)
Subject:Re: Re: Great site
Date: Sat, 27 Mar 2004 07:39:49 (PST)

I am dying to see your c*ck! Do you have any pics?
I have a nine inch friend of mine coming over soon to my home in Locust Point.
Wanna play with us?

This is the reason I'm reluctant to respond to any email I get from people I don't know.

Saturday, March 27, 2004

Loose Change

Are you gay?
Then rapper 50 Cent doesn't like you.
Unless you're a lesbian.

Friday, March 26, 2004

I Am The Cheese

  • I rented Marci X, with Lisa Kudrow and Damon Wayans the other day. Lisa has always been my favorite of the Friends, so I was looking foreward to seeing it.
    It was pretty good.
    I loved the scene with the boy band (aptly named Boys R Us).
    I would have been disappointed had I gone to the movies and spent $9 to see it, but it was defin'ly worth a rental.

  • I got to wait on a busload of High School boys out on a field trip yesterday.
    There's something obscene about looking at a guy (who's no older than 17 at the latest) and thinking "Wow, he's hot!!"
    I feel like a dirty old man.

  • I stayed up until 2AM talking to my buddy Fireguy. He's defin'ly one of my favorite people to chat with.
    He listens when I speak and thinks about what I've said before he responds. He may not always agree with me, and he never fails to challenge me when I say something that doesn't sound right to him -- but that's OK.
    That's what makes good conversation.

  • Fireguy also told me that everybody (this includes you) needs to read this book: "Who moved my cheese?" by Spencer Johnson, MD.
    I haven't got a copy of it yet, but it's on the top of my list.

  • What do you think of the new look?

  • Wednesday, March 24, 2004

    "Balls!" said the Queen

    You know that rhyme
    "Balls!" said the Queen,
    "If I had to (two), I'd be King!"
    Does anybody know how the rest of it goes?
    I heard it once before, many years ago. The rhyme is much longer, but that's all I can remember.
    Any help would be greatly appriciated, because it's driving me crazy!

    Up From The Ashes

    I mentioned previously that The Allegro club closed a couple of months ago.
    I was sad, 'cause it was one of my favorite places to hang. I had many good times there.
    However, up from the ashes of the old Allegro emerged Club Phoenix. I went there last night to check it out.

    The Allego was kind of drab and dingy, the walls painted black with industrial looking girders on the ceiling, mirrors with the silver coming off, the bathroom always had one urinal broken, and the lighting on the dance floor was state of the art back in Nineteen Eighty-something-or-other.
    I was nostalgic for a place like that?
    Actually, yes.
    It had it's own charm. It wasn't trying to be anything other than what it was: a watering-hole for homos.

    The only thing that Club Phoenix has in common with The Allegro is that they occupied the same spot. The bar stools and mirrors are all new, the floors retiled and the walls paneled elegantly, and the lighting is better. You can actually see who you're talking to. (That may be a plus or minus depending on who you're talking to!)

    It was Karaoke Night, hoted by the fabulous Shawnna Alexander. As soon as I walk in I spot my friend Paul (AKA the one and only Lulu La Diva) and chatted with him for a little bit.
    I saw some other people I knew.
    After two drinks I was sufficiently liquored up to sing, and sing I did, belting out Love Potion #9.
    I wasn't fabulous, but I did a half-decent job. People didn't run from the club screaming, which is always a good sign.

    It was fun, and I eagerly anticipate going back there to shake my bon-bons sometime soon.

    Tuesday, March 23, 2004

    Extra Pickles, Hold The Lettuce, Special Orders Don't Upset Us!

    I managed to get the day off today. It wasn't easy.
    They hate when you try to shuffle your schedule around.
    "We give you your schedule and your responsibility is to work it. If you need a certain day off you need to put in a request for it."
    That's what my manager told me one time when I asked if I could switch days with someone.
    Which is complete and total b.s. because almost everyone does it.
    Anyway, I got someone to cover my morning shift today and I'm working somebody else's evening shift on Thursday.
    I hate day shifts anyway.
    It was so slow last Tuesday I finshed the paperback book I was reading (Twilight Eyes by Dean Koontz) that I was halfway through when I arrived at work. I'm a fast reader, but that's ridiculous!
    And they wouldn't let me leave, that's what was really getting me. We're dead, I have one table (and if I bug them any more than I have already they'll start to complain), every server in the restaurant is just standing around not doing anything because there's nothing to do and they tell me I can't go.
    "I can't let you go. What if we get busy? What'll I do then?" she asked me.
    She's very lucky I chose not to answer that question.
    And probably so was I. If I had, I'd probably be fired.

    Aside from tidying up the house and cashing my check, I have nothing on the agenda for today.
    This is a good thing.

    I'm starting to wonder about the "straight" girls at work.
    They've been going to the lesbian bar an awful lot lately.

    Monday, March 22, 2004

    Right On!

    I couldn't have said it better myself.

    Sunday, March 21, 2004

    Look! Up In The Sky!

    I've always been a big fan of comic books and superheroes.
    Courageous men and women in tights with fantastic powers (or gadgets) who fight evil.
    So it stands to reason that I also love superhero movies.
    These are my favorites.
    The New, Original Wonder Woman (1975) - Lynda Carter plays the Amazing Amazon in this ABC-TV movie which is very faithful to the comic book version. Watch the movie and then read All Star Comics #8 (December, 1941) and Sensation Comics #1 (January, 1942) and see if I'm not right.
    Paradise Island, the contest, bullets and bracelets, the invisible plane, the magic lasso -- it's all there.
    Wonder Woman was always at her best when she was fighting the Nazis. ("Mein Gott! Ist ein Vunder Fraulein!")

    Superman - The Movie (1978) Christopher Reeve plays the Man of Steel in his first major motion picture. Even after 20 years the special effects still stand up nicely.
    You will believe a man can fly.

    Superman II (1980) - Superman (Reeve) battles not only the evil genius Lex luthor, but also three exiled Kryptonian criminals, all three with the same powers as Superman.

    Batman (1989) - Michael Keaton (Mr. Mom) as the tortured vigilante Bruce Wayne / Batman? I was skeptical at first, but he made it work. Gotham City looks as bleak and dangerous as I imagined it from the comic.
    You couldn't have found a better Joker than Jack Nicholson.

    Spider-Man (2002) - Tobey McGuire is the friendly neighborhood wall-crawler.
    The scenes where Spidey is web-slinging through Manhattan is simply amazing.

    X-Men (2002) - A genetic mutation gives certain people amazing powers. Even though they are feared, hunted, and persecuted they use their powers to help mankind.
    The parallels between the mutants struggle for basic human rights and the real-life struggle for gay rights make this a favorite.

    Dardevil (2003) - He's kind of like Batman, except he's blind and possesses a "radar sense". Ben Affleck plays the title roll in skin-tight red leather, prowling Hell's Kitchen quashing evil wherever he finds it.
    Jennifer Garner makes an amazing Electra and Colin Farrell is roguishly handsome as Bullseye (even with that ugly scar on his forehead). A special treat: Michael Clarke Duncan (The Green Mile) as the Kingpin.

    Honorable mentions: X2: X-Men United, Superman III, Hulk, Blade, Spawn, Batman Returns, Batman Forever, Batman and Robin.

    Avoid at all costs: The Punisher (the straight-to-video version), the Phantom, Superman IV, Swamp Thing, Supergirl, Masters of the Universe

    Superhero movies I'd like to see: Wonder Woman (she's long overdue), The Flash, Green Lantern, The Fantastic Four, The Avengers (the superhero team, not Steed and Mrs. Peel), and Captain America.

    Saturday, March 20, 2004

    Spring Has Sprung

    It's the first day of Spring today!
    It's not really that much warmer than it was yesterday, but the idea of it makes me feel better. Just to know that winter (at least the season) is behind us and there are sunny days ahead.

    I have to get ready to go to work soon.
    I hate, despise, detest, utterly loathe Saturdays, because I work 1 - 9PM. The entire day is pretty much shot.
    No sunshine or blue skies or cool breezes for me today.

    I got big plans for the blog. I'm working on a whole brand-spankin' new design, so don't be surprised when you come here and things look different.
    It won't be until the middle of next month, though.

    You know, I've always been glad that I was born male, but now I'm not so sure anout that.

    Friday, March 19, 2004

    Rejection From A Fool Is Cruel

    Just when I thought I'd heard it all. . . .
    People at work are all talking about the Rejection Hotline. How they give the number out to creeps that hit on them in clubs, and whatnot.
    Never heard of it?
    In a nutshell, the Rejection Hotline is a number you can give out to somebody who asks for your phone number if you just don't want to give out your real number.
    When they call the number, they hear a humorous Rejection Hotline recording and they are not-so-subtly informed of your non-interest.

    When people call they hear this message:

    "The person who gave you this number obviously did not want you to have their real number.
    Maybe you're just not this person's type....
    This could mean short, fat, ugly, dumb, annoying, arrogant or just a general loser.
    Maybe you suffer from bad breath, body odor or even both.
    Maybe you just give off that creepy, overbearing, psycho-stalker vibe.
    Maybe the idea of going out with you just seems as appealing as playing leapfrog with unicorns."
    The number for the Baltimore area is (410) 347-1488, but there are numbers for other cities.

    If you ask me, it just smacks of lack of courage on the part of the person giving out the Rejection Hotline number.
    How difficult is it to say "I'm not interested"? Then at least your "admirer" knows their being rejected and doesn't get their hopes up.

    Giving someone a phony number, especially with a message like that one, is just cruel.

    Thursday, March 18, 2004

    New Review

    Latter Days - (2004)
    Starring: Wesley A. Ramsay, Steve Sandvoss, Jacqueline Bisset, Mary Kay Place, Erik Palladino, Amber Benson, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt
    Running Time: 110 minutes
    Rated: Not Rated

    I eagerly anticipate seeing any new gay-themed movie that comes out. I was especially eager to see this movie, which was billed as a "boy meets boy, boy loses boy, boy gets boy again" movie.
    Formulaic? Definitely. But how many gay movies are out there like that?
    Gay movies are often so tragic.
    Usually one of the lovers die (Torch Song Trilogy, Longtime Companion), or their messed up in the head (The Boys in the Band), or their addicted to drugs or liquor (Circuit, Lie Down With Dogs), they lose the guy in the end (Get Real, Edge of Seventeen, The Fluffer), or something happens to prevent them from walking hand in hand into the sunset.
    It's downright depressing!

    So it was with high hopes that I entered The Charles Theatre to view this movie. The Charles is kind of theatre where you go see Federico Fellini films and sit at the round cafe tables afterwards discussing them and drink espresso and feel slightly bohemian.
    I wasn't there to feel bohemian, though. I was there to see what I hoped would be a decent movie.
    I wasn't disappointed.

    The story (without giving too much away): Sexy, Club Boy, Christian (Wes Ramsay), makes a bet with his co-workers/friends that he can seduce one of the four young Mormon missionaries who have just moved into his apartment complex.
    He sets his sights on Aaron (Steve Sandvoss), a closeted but deeply devout young man who is intelligent enough to figure out what's going on. But the attraction between them is more than either of them bargained for, and when they are found out, Aaron is sent home to Idaho by the Church, forcing him into deep spiritual shame.
    Christian, for his part, finds Aaron impossible to forget, and his attempts to grow up are most clearly defined when he begins delivering food to Keith (Erik Palladino), a smart-tongued man living with HIV.

    Will the two lovebirds get together?
    When they finally do get together (and you'll be practically holding your breath until they do) the actors kiss a lot and get nude, which is why the film is released unrated.
    After a passionate session of making out, the guys talk naked in bed and tell revealing stories about their families and painful memories they've lived through to hide their sexuality.
    The nudity isn't gratuitous, simply placed there for eye candy, it's an important part of the story.
    Steve Sandvoss and Wes Ramsey are one of the most charming gay pairings in recent memory, a pair of flawed --but ultimately lovable --losers whose incompatibility requires a deeper effort to understand and accept one another and themselves.
    Charming, handsome, and clearly enjoying the scenes as they play them, the two actors are refreshing in their refusal to dumb down for the cameras.
    Other standouts include Bisset as a wise and generous restaurant proprietor, Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Third Rock from the Sun) who plays the homophobic Elder Ryder, and Palladino, who takes what could have been a mirthless stereotype and instead finds inspiring twists and turns.

    Go out and see this movie while it's still in theatres.
    It will give you hope that love, indeed, acually does conquer all.

    Wednesday, March 17, 2004

    Kiss Me, I'm Irish!

    Happy St. Patrick's Day!

    I just love this holiday!
    It's not because I'm Irish, although I am.
    It's not because I'm proud of my Irish heritage and all the things Irish people have accomplished, although I'm that, too.
    Here's the real reason why I love it so much:
    You just have to love a holiday that doesn't require you to do any more than wear green and possibly a shamrock pin or something.
    Maybe you could have a bowl of Lucky Charms for breakfast, make some corned beef and cabbage for dinner, and imbibe some green beer at Happy Hour at Mick O'Shea's.
    If your feeling kind of whimsical, you could wear a green plastic derby hat, or a pin that says "Kiss me, I'm Irish!"
    That's it.
    No presents to buy, no cards or flowers to send, no complicated rituals to perform, and you don't have to string your house with lights, put up a tree, or sing carols.
    Plus, you have (yet another) excuse to drink.

    Tuesday, March 16, 2004

    A Five Minute Story


    If I had been caught in the act while searching through my lover's closet, I wouldn't have been able to explain exactly what I was searching for.
    Something, anything, that would confirm my suspicions.
    I was like Nancy Drew, searching for clues.
    All I knew is that my lover had been acting odd lately. Going out and not telling me where he was headed and then acting all evasive when I asked, recieving calls from unfamiliar people (which he would take in the soundproofed room in the basement), strange mail with no return address, which were never left lying around, and acting all jumpy when I inquired about them.
    Even if there weren't any clues, I still would have known Something Was Going On.
    I wasn't and have never been phychic, but I've been with the same man for almost two years. After that long, you get to know someone pretty well.
    Things had been really odd lately, his behavior wasn't normal. His embrace was different, his kisses not as passionate, and sex hadn't happened in almost two weeks.
    He's cheating. That's the thought that entered my head. If he's not getting it from me, he's getting it somewhere else.
    I looked through his jeans, finding scraps of paper with phone numbers on them, which didn't really prove anything, dammit!
    I had phone numbers in my pockets sometimes, and I certainly wasn't cheating.
    I started looking through the boxes stacked on the closet floor. Old pictures, mostly. Momentos. The Teddy Bear his aunt gave him the day he was born.
    I felt like dirt invading his privacy like this. If he knew I was going through his things, he'd be really pissed, but I couldn't help myself. I couldn't have stopped if I wanted to.
    In the last box, in a duffle bag, wrapped up in an oily towel, was a gun. I looked at in in horror, questions flooding my mind.
    What was this thing doing in my house?
    And: What had he gotten himself into?
    And: Why was there a fuggin' gun in my house?
    I heard a noise on the stairs. He was home.
    I quickly stashed the gun back where I found it, by heart beating like a drum in my chest.
    I had no idea what I was going to do.

    Sunday, March 14, 2004

    It'a A Physical Attraction

    Here are my results from the Match.com's Ph.D.-formulated Physical Attraction Test
    It didn't really tell me anything I didn't already know, but it was fun taking it anyway.
    Favorite Qualities:
    You seemed interested in dating a man at least 25 or older
    Very handsome men
    Sharp, narrow chins
    Brown or dark brown hair
    Wavy hair or slighly curly hair
    All races (You chose caucasian, asian, hispanic and black men)

    Favorite Looks:
    Some may call one of your types "Pretty Boys," but all you know is that they're gorgeous.
    The combination of classic good looks with small noses, beautiful eyes, and full lips is hard to resist. These guys tend to be clean shaven, have clear skin, and get good hair cuts. They're taking good care of themselves so they can be "pretty" just for you! [Well, you and the 1 in 3 men (33%) that are also after them!]

    Another of the "looks" that you consistently noticed has been described as "The Boy Next Door."
    He has an open face, with big eyes, and a big grin. He has a youthful or boyish quality that will follow him throughout his life. Typically this look is associated with light brown hair, a close shave, and blue or hazel eyes.
    These guys convey a warm, trusting impression, but watch out for that mischievous side!
    Our studies find that about 1 in 5 men (18%) are especially attracted to this youthful look.

    Favorite Face Type
    You especially liked a pattern scientists refer to as "Ectomorphs."

    Geometrically, they are similar to triangles, because they are widest at the cheekbones and then narrow to a relatively pointed chin. Ectomorph men are said to have "angular" features, including a chiseled nose and prominent cheekbones. Historically, these faces have been viewed as distinguished and were often found on European royalty. These men also tend to have lean builds. [And, you may want to watch out for those ears, since on true Ectomorphs, they tend to stick out a good bit.]
    About 46% of other men especially prefer this face type.

    Saturday, March 13, 2004

    I Want, I want

      The Principles Of Wanting

    1. Most people don't know what they want.
    2. Even if they know what they want (and that's doubtful) most people are afraid to ask for what they rightly deserve.
    3. People want what they can never have.
    4. People have contradictory wants.
    5. Most people don't question why they want the things they want, they just know they want them.
    6. People want things for the wrong reasons.
    7. There is a distinct difference from wanting something and needing something.
    8. Some people spend more effort trying to get what they want, rather than trying to get what they need.
    9. Some people once they get what they want they don't want it anymore.
    10. Even when people get what they want, they always want more.

    Friday, March 12, 2004

    Letting Off Some Steam

    It's been a while since I did this.
    To the bitter aging queen who works at the Herring Run Branch of the Enoch Pratt Free library and is always pissy and snippy at me whenever I go there . . .

    To the people on the bus who take up too much room, practically knock you down, refuse to give up their seats for disabled or elderly people, or are otherwise rude and obnoxious on the transit bus . . .

    To all the bums on the street who beg for spare change and then curse and practically spit on me when I don't give them anything . . .

    To the telemarketers who call endlessly and then have the nerve to argue with me when I tell them I'm not interested . . .

      This is for you.
    It feels good to get things out of your system every once in awhile.

    Thursday, March 11, 2004

    The Usual Suspects

    I managed to get to Happy Hour at The Quest yesterday. All the Usual Suspects were there.
    There was Tom The Codger, the owner, who was working behind the bar. When he's tending you have to order "simple drinks"--Malibu Baybreezes and Apple Martinis are too complicated for him.
    Hell, he's even challenged by making a Rum and Coke.
    He's heavy-handed with the liquor though, so we can forgive him.

    The Candy Man was there. The Candy Man is always there in his favorite corner spot by the Poker machine with his bright pink face and greasy looking mullet clutching a Miller Lite in his paw.
    I disliked this guy at first sight. This was even before I knew he was a drug dealer.
    I don't even look in his direction if I can help it.

    Eddie The Shark came in and asked if I wanted to shoot pool.
    Eddie's cool.
    I think of him as "Eddie The Shark" not because he's a pool hustler or anything, he's just really smooth when it comes to playing billiards.
    Anyway, I don't play that often, but yesterday I felt like it, so he racked 'em up.

    I really enjoy playing pool.
    Lining up a shot with a cigarette dangling from the corner of my mouth, the bar so dark and smoky you can barely see what you're doing, a cold drink waiting for me on the rail by the table, and 70s disco playing in the background.
    It's like a Paul Newman movie or something.

    I've got the key, I've got the secret . . . to playing pool. I figured it out yesterday.
    If I haven't had any alcohol at all and I try to play, I suck more than a Hoover.
    Too much alcohol and my balls are all over the place, anywhere but in the pockets.
    But get the optimum amount of alcohol in me and I play pretty well. I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm a "Pool Wizard", but I can hold my own.
    The optimum amount is around two drinks or so.

    So we're playing and by a strange twist of fate and totally by chance, I win!
    So I went to Eddie, shook his hand, said "Good game!" (good sportsmanship is very important), and he was like "You gotta play me again!" He wasn't going to let me go without beating me.
    So we play again, and he wins (although I had him on the ropes for a little while until I scratched on the eight ball).
    Handshake, "Good game!" and he's like "Two outta three?"
    It was then that I realized that he wasn't going to let me go without thoroughly kicking my ass. His ego wouldn't allow it.
    So we play again and without a doubt, he kicks my ass.
    That's OK though, I was playing for the fun of it.

    After that I went home and watched Spider-Man on DVD.

    DVD's are insidious.
    If it were just the movie that would be OK, but by the time you watch The Making Of The Movie, the trailers, the outtakes, the actor biographies and all the other myriad Special Features that are included, before you know it you've spent almost five hours in front of the TV.
    There is such a thing as too much.

    Wednesday, March 10, 2004

    Deja View

    Last August when Boy Meets Boy was airing I predicted there would be a reality show similar to this one which will come to a TV near you any day now.
    "One woman is gambling a million on her gaydar.
    14 sexy bachelors. A million-dollar prize.
    Think you know where this is going? Think again. ...
    Things aren't what they appear when FOX puts this young lady and the viewing audience to the test as she determines which guys are straight and which guys are gay and merely "Playing It Straight."
    The rules are simple: If a straight guy is the last man standing, the couple splits the money. But if a gay guy fools his way to the finish line, he leaves $1 million richer.
    With serious cash up for grabs, first impressions have never been more important!"
    I don't know if I'm psychic, or if it was just inevitable.
    It not going to be easy for that girl to weed out the gay siuters among the many men that will be attempting to woo her.
    First there's metrosexuality and the "Queer Eye" sensibility that men can be well-dressed and well-coiffed, have a kickin' apartment and even know how to arrange flowers - and not be gay.
    Secondly, and most importantly, she's not really going to know what to look for.
    I'll be watching the show to see what happens, but I'm not optimistic.

    Sunday, March 07, 2004

    Take A Sip From My Molotov Cocktail

    Yesterday went pretty much the way I suspected it would.
    I came on the floor at noon, but I didn't get my first table until around 3PM, mostly because the hosts don't know how to seat the door correctly.
    When I finally got sat, they kept sending group after group (after group) of mutants for me to wait on.
    One group's children were throwing chicken bones at one another!
    Some people think the fact that the Banquet Room is isolated from the rest of the restaurant is why these children act like animals, but I blame poor home training. If those children were raised the right way, they wouldn't act up like that.
    When I was a child, I wasn't even allowed in a restaurant until I proved I could conduct myself in an adult-like manner. I didn't want to stay home with a sitter, so I was always on my best behavior.
    This included "yes, sir", "no, ma'am", "please", "thank you", elbows off the table, napkin in my lap, holding the door for people, and "may I be excused, please?"--the whole nine yards.
    It wasn't an option, it was mandatory.
    Anyway, I didn't end up getting out of there 'til 10:30 or so.
    I don't get assigned the Banquet Room that often, so I can deal.

    And in other news:
    This blog got a good review on Blogarama.
    How boss is that?

    Saturday, March 06, 2004

    White Castle Fries Only Come In One Size

    I didn't end up going out to Gallagher's last night. By the time I got finished cleaning my section and rolling my silverware it was too late.
    I would've had less than an hour and a half.
    Why can't the clubs be open 'til 4AM like in New York?
    Of course, you can't smoke in the clubs in New York, so I guess I should count my blessings.
    Instead, I went to The Drinkery It turned out to be Karaoke Night, and had I known that I probably would have went somewhere else.
    It was OK. I had two drinks and talked to Josie for a little while and then I went home.

    A woman in my section last night asked me if I was "a homosexual". I didn't know why she was asking, but I told her yes.
    She said she thought so, because her grandson is a homosexual and I remind her of him.
    Granny's gaydar was working perfectly.
    Honestly, I don't care for the word "homosexual".
    I feel about that word the way black probably people feel about the word "negro".
    It might not necessarily be meant in a derogatory way, but it's antiquated. Old fashioned. It's what they used to call us.
    Plus, it has too many damn syllables.
    Gay sounds much better. I even prefer the word queer over that.

    I'm working a double in the Banquet Room today.
    The Banquet Room on Saturdays is where they stick all the welfare mothers with six (or more) children who run around like little Hellions, the huge parties where nobody wants to leave, and all the teenagers who don't know how to act.
    Pray for me.

    Friday, March 05, 2004

    Everyone's A Critic

    With my tax money I went hog wild at the CD store and loaded up on some music I've been wanting.
    One CD I purchased I think merits a review from me, so here's my best imitation of a music critic:
    JC Chasez - Schizophrenic
    Admittedly, I was a little dubious looking at the cover of the CD.
    JC in a straightjacket?
    And the title, Schizophrenic, what was all that about?
    JC Chasez - Schizophrenic It turns out the title is totally appropriate. This CD is all over the place with elements of pop, reggae, funk, R&B, and even some techno thrown in for added flavor.
    The opening track "Some Girls (Dance With Women)" with it's Latin vibe is the first indication that this definitely ain't NSYNC.
    "100 Ways", with it's breathy delivery and slightly racy lyrics ("She's such a sexy dame / I just can't control my thang!") sounds like it should have been done by Robert Palmer. It's not a bad thing.
    "All Day I Dream About Sex" starts off with strumming guitars, then halfway into it segues into Jamiroqui-esque techno and then back again.
    I challenge anyone to listen to this song and not start bobbing their heads in time with the music, and possibly also singing along. I'll be hearing that song in my head for weeks, I just know it.
    "She Got Me" reminds me of Michael Jackson during his Thriller period. Funky.
    On "Something Special", JC channels Faith-era George Michael.
    Schizophrenic doesn't know what it wants to be.
    You've got the ballads you expect ("Lose Myself", "Dear Goodbye") but then you have the funk / reggae / Latin hybrid "Everything You Want" which sounds something like Sting might have done. Also, not a bad thing.
    JC wrote all of the songs except for "Shake It", which is the weakest song on the entire CD.
    It seems that on Schizophrenic JC is trying to be all things to everyone, and though a few tracks fall a little flat, he pretty much succeeds. There's a little something for everybody on Schizophrenic.
    Also, the boy can sing, OK?

    Wednesday, March 03, 2004

    I See Blue Skies

    I just finished a humongous cup of coffee.
    When I say "humongous" that's exactly what I mean. This cup (actually I think it's a beer stein) is the equivalent of 5 regular coffee mugs.
    Anyway, now I'm all wired and I have all this energy.
    I need to find something to do with it.

    The weather has been absolutely phenomenal the last couple of days.
    Blue skies, sunshine, soft breezes. It's like springtime outside my window.
    I haven't worn a jacket in two days and it feels strange. I'm not used to bare arms, plus without my jacket I have to put my cigatettes in my backpack.
    I'm not used to it.
    I almost wore shorts today. I took them out of the drawer and thought about it really hard, but then I figured that might be rushing things a bit.
    It's awful early for it to be this nice.
    I can't shake the feeling that this it's only temporary and that cold weather will come around at least once more.
    It's only March!
    Or maybe that's just me being pessimistic.

    I was off yesterday and today and it's nice not to have any "projects" that need doing except the ones I take on for myself.
    For example:

    I spent yesterday rearranging the furniture in the bedroom and putting all my CDs in alphabetical order.
    Yes, I was that bored.
    Today's project is making some sense of the basement.
    Luckily, we haven't lived in this house long enough to clutter it up too much.

    I might possibly be going to Gallagher's this Friday after work.
    All the girls at work have been going there on Fridays for Hip-Hop Night and they invited me to go.
    A night out with the girls? Sounds like fun.
    I work Friday night, though, so it'll all depend on how I'm feeling.

    Tuesday, March 02, 2004

    I took the Country Quiz to determine which country I am.
    Here's the result.
    (Special thanks to Ray-Ray for the link.)

    I'm the United Nations!

    Most people think I'm ineffective, but I am trying to completely save the world from itself, so there's always going to be a long way to go.
    I'm always the one trying to get friends to talk to each other, enemies to talk to each other, anyone who can to just talk instead of beating each other about the head and torso.
    Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, and I can get very schizophrenic as a result.
    But my heart is in the right place, and sometimes also in New York.

    Take the Country Quiz youself to see what country you are.

    Who's That Guy?

    He's Chris Austad, a model for (among other things) Abercrombie & Fitch.
    You can see more stunning photos of him here.

    Monday, March 01, 2004

    Retroactive Horoscope For Today

    Finally, a horoscope that is totally 100% accurate, mainly because it was written after the day was done.
    Pretty amazing, huh?
    Libra - Today is going to be a good day for you, Libra.
    Your energy level will be extremely high all day, and no task will be too difficult to perform.
    Your exuberance and good humor will be infectious, bringing joy to all those that come in contact with you.
    A chronic complainer may try to dampen your spirits in the middle of the afternoon, but don't let them rain on your parade.
    If you receive tips at your workplace, I predict very generous gratuities from clientele who are charmed and totally won over by your sunny disposition and eagerness to please.
    A surprise encounter with old friends in the early afternoon will brighten your day even more, if that's possible.
    Power word for the day: Attitude
    Lucky numbers: 2, 13, 704