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Life is only what you wonder.

Friday, May 14, 2004

I'm Feeling Young And Restless - And I Don't Mean The Soap Opera

Do you ever sometimes feel like life is stagnant, and you've done all there is to do, and there's nothing you particularly want to do anyway, so why bother?

That's the kind of mood I'm in right now.

My buddy Fireguy is wooing this 22 year old British boy and I'm kind of jealous envious.
It's not that I want out of the relationship I'm in or anything, or that I'm not happy, it's just my single friends seem to have more fun than I do.
Going out all the time, dating different man, even all the drama and relationship problems they have seem exciting to me.
It pisses me off!
And it pisses me off that I'm feeling this way in the first place.

I had a lot of fun myself when I was single, but then there were many times when I was miserable because there wasn't anybody special in my life.
And while sex with a different guy every night is exciting and thrilling at first, it gets kind of cold and stale after awile.

And it's like I realize this, and I'm fully aware of how irrational it sounds, but knowing it doesn't make a difference really.
How messed up is that?

I remember years ago living in that dumpy "studio" apartment that was more like a closet with a toilet, and the only thing in my refrigerator was a bottle of ketchup, and working a crummy job that paid me very little and not knowing how I was going to come up with the rent, and I think
"How could I possibly be nostalgic for that?"
I must be crazy.

There's something exciting about living hand to mouth. There's that element of danger that makes your blood run faster, that makes your heart pump stronger. Plus, when you don't have much it makes you appriciate what you have that much more.

And all the time I keep asking myself "What happens next? What now?"

I'm just full of all these conflicting and contradictory emotions at this point.
I'm used to my mood swings by now, so I know I'll get over it.