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Life is only what you wonder.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Silence Is NOT Golden

The husband and I had an argument the other day and now he's not speaking to me.
Today is day three of The Big Silence.

The "silent treatment" is one of the worst things that someone can do to me. I would much rather he threw things or yelled.
Even screaming would be better.
He's very aware how much it upsets me, too. (This isn't the first time this has happened.) That's why he does it -- to torture me. He knows it not only pisses me off, but it's like stabbing me with a sharp knife -- it hurts.

We work together, too, which makes it really bad. Seeing him joke, interact, react, and have lively conversations with everyone else and I'm the Invisible Boy brought me to tears yesterday. I try never to bring my personal drama into the workplace, but yesterday, it couldn't be helped. I remember standing in the Loading Dock with tears in the corner of my eyes, smoking a bitter cigarette and trying to keep myself together.
I didn't lose it, though. I'm made of tougher stuff than that.

This is the worst part of a Long Term Relationship: sooner or later there's an argument (disagreement, fight, whatever you want to call it) and somebody's going to be sleeping on the sofa, and you'll be lying there feeling more lost, upset, and utterly lonely than you ever would if you were single.
It sucks.

And it doesn't even matter at this point whose fault it was that the original argument came about -- who did what or who's to blame. All that is immaterial.
To deliberately set out to inflict pain on someone (someone you supposedly love) is just cruel.

The silence is so thick right now you can cut it with a knife and I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Trust and believe.

We usually go out on Tuesday nights for a few cocktails and to shoot pool, but that's defin'ly not going to happen with the way things are.
SO, I'm going out my myself tonight, which will probably start another fight, but screw it. It can't get much worse than it is already.

I need some time to myself now anyway.