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Life is only what you wonder.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

That's The Way Love Moves

Whew! Alot has been going on since I last posted.
Here's the condensed version to keep you up to date.

    Friday:
Friday was an emotional day for me. I spent the early afternoon packing more of my things.
I came across a box of photos from a trip that G. and I took to New York. In the photo we're on the pier and the sun is shining down on us and we're smiling and holding one another. I started crying when I saw our faces. We were sohappy. I kneeled there with the shoebox of photos on my lap and just cried. It felt like someone had grabbed my heart and squeezed it.
If this is the right thing to do, why does it hurt so bad?
I went to work that night and we were really busy and for that, I was grateful. You can't be all pouty and weepy when there's no time to.
After I got home and climbed into bed (we were still sleeping in our bed together) I reached out and put my hand at the small of his back and he turned over and pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around me.
It felt so good.
I couldn't help it. I broke down crying and he held me closer and said, "Babe, it'll be OK", which only made me cry harder.

I like to think I'm so hard, and so strong, and so tough, but I'm not.
I'm weak.

After the tears slowed down, we fell asleep holding one another.
    Saturday:
Saturday morning G. went to work and I had the house to myself. I had plenty of time to think about things.
One of the main things I thought about were our wedding vows. They weren't the traditional ones, but they meant the same things. "For better or for worse" was the one that got to me the most.
Jimmy, you're giving up! That's not like you!
You're not a quitter! You're just going to throw away five years?
I had come to a decision: I was going to see if we could work things out somehow -- even if it means we see a Couple's Counselor or something.
I ripped a page out of my notebook and wrote him a letter which said,
"I love you. I want to talk this out and see if we can make this work. Love, Jimmy"
Just as soon as I finished writing the phone rang. It was G..
"Are you still moving out?"
"Do you want me to go?" I asked bluntly. (Nothing subtle about me. No sir!)
"No."
We decide that the time for a talk is long since passed and that he would pick me up from work and we would talk everything out. Even if it took all night we were going to work this out one way or another.
There was no telling which way this would go. I could end up leaving after all.
But I had to know, one way or the other, for sure.
    Late Saturday / Early Sunday:
G. picked me up and we talked long into the night.
Ultimately we decided to give it another go.
Five years is a long time to just let slip away.

And it turns out that we're more miserable apart than when we're together -- no matter how "bad" things seemed to be.
Who woulda thunk it?
There's still a few things we need to iron out, but for the most part we're doing all right.
I love him. What else can I do?

OK, now that all the drama has passed, I can get back to blogging about lighter things.
Which is a relief, because things were getting way too heavy!