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Life is only what you wonder.

Monday, November 22, 2004

My Irregular Regulars

Not since Dick Tracy's rogues gallery (Flattop, Rughead, Pruneface, etc.) has anyone ever seen such a wacky bunch of characters as the people I wait on at the restaurant.
I've written about The Stinkies previously. These people reek --literally. And they're in the restaurant every other day. Whenever we see them coming, the word gets spread, "The Stinkies are here!" and the server assigned to Section 11 shudders because that's where they always sit.

Supposedly, Mr. Ed was an attorney before he retired, but you'd never guess it, by the outfits this man wears. Never have you seen such a collection of mis-matched clothes in your life: Red and white polka-dotted shirt with blue and green checked pants and yellow and purple argyle socks is just one of his ensembles.
He always looks like he got ready in a clown's changing room -- in the dark.

The Cat Lady - This woman is always wearing a sweatshirt with a cutesy picture of a cat on it, and her clothes are always covered in cat hair. She sits for hours and hours (and hours)and never, ever leaves a tip. We dread the Cat Lady almost as much as we do The Stinkies.

It's an All-You-Can-Eat buffet, so naturally it would be a virtual haven for those people with some kind of eating disorder, right? Aside from the people who overeat (i.e. stuff themselves with so much food they can barely move) I don't see as many as you'd think.
Maybe this chick (who we call Ms. Bulemia) just makes it obvious, but it's very clear she's got a problem. She piles her plate with a mountain of food and gorges for fifteen minutes, stuffing her face like she hasn't eaten in days, then she goes to the bathroom for fifteen minutes, then she grabs another plate and it starts all over. After an hour of this, she leaves, and usually leaves a generous tip.

A WWII veteran, Mr. Jack comes in for lunch every day, and he never fails to brink his harmonica with him. The guests and staff are treated to such classics as "Little Brown Jug", "Turkey in the Straw", "Waltzing Matilda" and a very rousing version of "Hail, Hail, the Gang's All Here" -- whether we like it or not.

This is just a small sample. There are a lot of crazy people in this world -- and most of 'em eat in my restaurant.