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Life is only what you wonder.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Wonder Boy's Psychic Drinking Horoscope

New Year's Eve is coming up quick. Time to party, right?
But what are you going to be drinking, and how much? These are questions that plague us all.
I, the amazing Wonder Boy, using my keen psychic powers that have been honed by years of strict mental discipline, have taken all the guesswork out of all that.
Capricorn - Most often thought of as practical, steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty - no wonder they get off the Astrological Cocktail Party list. Capricorns tend to be powerful, independent, seriously charismatic and not too eager to please. Ergo, they are the true rock stars of partying. In their darker moods they can be pessimistic and fatalistic, which can get much worse when they've had too many. Trademark cocktails: Old-fashioned Capricorn would probably like an Old Fashioned just fine -- or a Martini, or a Gimlet or any other no-nonsense drink. No funny paper umbrellas for them.

Aquarius - Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well, unless you’re talking about water. They have an innate capacity for know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled they're more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing a function, however, they're too preoccupied to get combative, and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and is capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober. Trademark cocktails: Aquarius is most likely to order stuff most people have never heard of: a Widow's Slap, a Black Cat, Satan's Whiskers, or an Arthur Tompkins. They like to stump the bartender.

Pisces - If you're a Pisces, you've probably already been told you have an addictive personality. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy out-there feeling that only hooch can give, they build up a tolerance pretty fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? With the right Pisces, though, you can start off sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up in bed together for days. "Addictive personality" can be read two ways, you know. Trademark cocktails: Pisces rules fresh mint, and they love a Mojito or three -- though a Julep will do just as well. They also love punches like Sangria, or a spiked "house punch" at a party. "Drinking like a fish" is an idiom pulled out of the zodiac, not the deep blue sea.

Aries - Impulsive Aries people love to party and sometimes don't know when to call it a night. Their compulsive streak makes them prone to closing time shot contests. They're sloppy fun drunks who can get mighty flirty after a couple of tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. Trademark cocktails: Born under the planet Mars, Aries is the ruler of spicy food and red things -- and for balance, astrologers recommend they eat tomatoes, onions, olives and greens. That's right Aries; you were born under the sign of the Bloody Mary. Aries also rules grapefruit, and they've been known to kick back a Salty Dog or a Seabreeze or two.

Taurus - Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather that a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a china-shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, their reluctance to get totally wasted is quite fortunate for the rest of us This is not to say the Bull is by any means a teetotaler -- God, no. A squiffy Taurus tends to get pretty gregarious and is extremely amusing to drag to a Karaoke bar when intoxicated. Trademark cocktails: Early-to-bed Taureans need a picker-upper -- try a Red Bull and vodka. More macho Taureans will go for something unpretentious like a Jack and Coke or whiskey sour.

Gemini - Geminis can drink without changing their behavior much. They're just so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusion and then immediately afterwards doing something that reveals their extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking on your shoes. They like to order different cocktails every round -- repetition is boring -- and may create a theme (green drinks: an Iguana, a grasshopper, a margarita, a melon ball) for their own amusement. Trademark cocktails: Easily bored Geminis need some stimulation in their drinks. Drinks in two or more parts, like a Black and Tan, a Mind Eraser or a Stoplight are particularly appealing. Otherwise they'll drink all over the map. ordering frou-frou drinks to add to their collection of paper umbrellas, or drinking Black Russians because they're feeling rather noir.

Cancer - Cancer is a comfort drinker - and a glass of wine with dinner or an after-work drink or six can be extra comforting, can't it Cancer darling? Like fellow water-signs Pisces and Scorpio, Crabs must be on guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists. Hang with a Crab if you want to be where the party's at. In true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead they get "tired and emotional" (read: weepy when lubricated.) Trademark cocktails: Ruled by the moon, Cancers are intrigued by the idea of moonshine – any brown booze, from a bourbon press to a whiskey and soda to grandpappy’s special brew in a mason jar will do. This sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you'll be adored if you serve up a Stoli Vanili and soda.

Leo - Leo loves to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers well, losing their commanding dignity and becoming kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware how cute they are. They generally know their limit, probably because they absolutely loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue, and not always with the person what brung them. Trademark cocktails: Leos like a flashy drink, like any kind of cocktail that’s meant to be set on fire before quaffing, or complicated tropical concoctions loaded with fruit garnishes. Indeed, Leos definitely have a taste for the fruity and you can usually spot them sipping a mai tai, Bahama mama, or the more common strawberry daiquiri. Their sense of drama easily lends itself to a kir royale, also.

Virgo - Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order on their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine, or just to brand loyalty. They very rarely get fully shellacked, though -- but, oh, when they do! Virgo is controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy.) As one Virgo friend used to declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low level of intelligence tonight!" Trademark cocktails: Many Virgos prefer clear, simple, untreacly drinks like a vodka tonic or a real Margarita, though you'll find 'em drinking anything -- from unflinching downing Cuervo straight to smirkingly ordering a dirty virgin.

Libra - "I'm jhusht a social drinker," slurs Libra, "It's jhusht I'm so damn social!" Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Libra is an Air sign, and Librans can hold lively conversations with virually anyone about almost anything, and when they’re drinking this trait becomes even more pronounced and they become the true social butterflies of the zodiac. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Trademark cocktails: Aesthetic Libras like pretty pouffy drinks like a Pink Lady or brandy Alexander. That's the influence of Venus, their ruling planet, which also gives them a horror of crudely named concoctions like Sex on the Beach.

Scorpio – Don’t ever tell Scorpios they’ve had enough, or they’ll smirk at you and quietly and intentionally keep tippling until hog-whimpering drunk out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Generally they’re fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you. Trademark cocktails: Just as a Scorpio can look you in the eye and smile while secretly plotting your demise, so does the brandy-laced Stinger’s sweet taste hide a very potent amount of alcohol. If you want to get literal, serve them a Scorpion – they may not love tropical drinks, but it shows your paying attention.

In vino veritas – and for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: When buttered, they’ll spill all your secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. They’re the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else – like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Trademark cocktails: A travel-loving sign, Sagittarius might be intrigued by drinks like Moscow Mules or Singapore Slings – perhaps even a Long Island Iced Tea (not a bad option given how much Sag can put away and still stay vertical).

(Please drink responsibly, however. Don't drink and drive. You know the drill.)