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Life is only what you wonder.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

I Gots The Remedy

Everyone experiences pain, illness, and ailments, but what do you do when you can't get to the physician? Or what if the problem is only a minor one, but there's no drug at the pharmacy that will do?
Dr. Wonder is here to help.
Wonder Boy's 100% Guaranteed Remedies For Common Ailments

Hiccups
Hiccups are annoying aren't they? Especially when you're trying to talk and a loud "Hic!" punctuates every other syllable and you feel like people are laughing at you -- because they are.
Getting someone to scare you doesn't work at all, because you know it's coming. How startled can you possibly be when you know someone's going to pop out at you and go "Boo”?

  • One way to cure hiccups is to take a deep breath and fill your lungs entirely with air and then hold it, slowly count to 150, then exhale. If you can successfully do that without losing consciousness first, your hiccups will be entirely gone.
  • If that doesn't work, try gargling with salt water while singing "I'm Your Boogie Man" by KC and the Sunshine Band as loud as you possibly can. That should do it.

    Cough
    There are all kings of coughs: smoker's hack, dry coughs, those really phlegmy ones caused by bronchitis, and the phony ones you use to get someone's attention
    The following remedy will cure any kind of cough you might have, except the last one.

  • If you have a nagging cough, down a shot of Southern Comfort, followed by a tablespoon of honey. If cough persists, take another dosage. Keep repeating dosage until either your cough is gone, or you're too drunk to notice it anymore.

    Hangover
    You drank too much the night before and now your feeling like Hell. If you need something that will make that bad boy go away, just do the following:

  • Drink a great big glass of tomato juice (replenishes vitamin A, Vitamin C, and potassium) to which you've added 1 tablespoon worcestershire sauce (a natural antioxident that cancels out acids), 6 drops of tobasco sauce (helps the body sweat out toxins), and a dash black pepper (revives tired circulatory system). Oh, and also add 2 oz. vodka. (Grey Goose vodka is a good choice. More pricey than Popov, but smooth as silk.) Repeat as needed.
    (This is more commonly known as the "avoid hangovers, stay drunk" method.)

    Runny Nose

  • If your nose is running, go catch it.
    (Sorry, I could not help myself!)

    Headaches
    The majority of headaches are caused by stress. It's a hectic world we live in and sometimes it seems we spend most of our time running around and making ourselves crazy.

  • One way to cure a headache is to just stop, close your eyes and visualize you're someplace fun and relaxing. You're lying on a sunny beach in Hawaii and a hunky cabana boy is rubbing suntan oil all over you, for instance.
    Of course, you could actually go someplace fun and relaxing. By the time you actually get to Hawaii, your headache should have completely gone away.
    If you don't have the time (or money) to just go flying to exotic getaways, then try the following:
  • Spin around and around clockwise with your arms outstretched and sing (or hum, if you're not much of a singer) the theme to the Wonder Woman TV show.
  • Keep eating Krispy-Kreme glazed donuts until your headache goes away. A dozen (or so) should do the trick.
  • Place an egg on your forehead and intensely visualize (good visualization is the key to this) your headache going through your forehead and into the egg. (It might help to picture the headache as a glowing, pulsing ball of red light, or a black cloud or something.) When you feel like the essence of the headache has gone into the egg, immediately cook up the egg (fried, scrambled, sunny-side up, poached, whatever) and serve it to someone else. Preferably someone you don't like too much. After they eat the egg, they will get your headache.
    (This is the Voodoo method, taught to be by Ms. Inez, who be comin' from Barbados, mon. I've never actually tried this one because I don't like to cook much, and even more so when I have a headache, but she assures me it works.)
  • Well, there you are! I hope these remedies help you as much as they've helped me.
    If you should actually try any of these, let me know how they worked for you, OK?