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Life is only what you wonder.

Saturday, April 30, 2005

Typical Male

Sometimes I wish I were a straight girl.

No, I'm not a woman trapped in a man's body. I enjoy being a boy. It's just that straight women get to say things like "All men are dogs" and "What is it with men not putting the toilet seat down?" and "Why do men just 'let one fly'?"
I don't have that luxury. Any qualifying statements I could make toward "men" apply to me, too.

My husband is such a "man" that it's difficult not to utter such things, sometimes. The only thing that makes him gay is his attraction to other men.
No, seriously!

Let's examine the facts, shall we?
He loves watching football, he yells obcenities out the window at cars that cut him off, he wouldn't know a showtune from a Strauss waltz, he wouldn't be caught dead with a drink that had a little umbrella in it, he doesn't know Prada from Dolce & Gabanna, he never asks for directions (he makes me do that), and yes, he often leaves the toilet seat up after he's through.
(Oooh, you should hear me cuss up a storm early in the morning when I'm not paying attention and I sit down to use the toilet and the seat is up. It would make a sailor blush.)

I used think he put the toilet paper in the dispenser the wrong way just to annoy me, but then I realized that he just doesn't think that way. I should be grateful it's in the dispenser and not sitting on the edge of the sink.

One way he's so like a typical man is that he never bothers to read the instructions when we buy something new.
"Instructions are for people who don't know what they're doing." he said once.
Like when we got the DVD/VCR, he took it right out of the box and immediatly started hooking it up to the TV. After (much) trial and error, he managed to get it hooked up right, but since he 's never read the directions he has no idea how to program the VCR to tape something, or how to set the clock.

    "Honey," he'll ask sweetly, "Can you set the VCR to tape 60 Minutes tonight?"
    "I guess so," I'll reply, "But why can't you do it?" (I know the answer, I'm just curious as to what he'll say.)
    "But, honey," he'll say, "I thought you liked doing that sort of thing."
Actually, I don't need to be a straight girl after all, because I've just come to this startling conclusion:
We're not of the same species.
I am a male human, but my husband is a man.