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Life is only what you wonder.

Friday, May 06, 2005

This Is How I Feel

It really takes alot to make me angry.

As a matter of fact, you have to be trying really really hard and pushing all the right buttons relentlessly to get a rise out of me.
And even then, I'll most likely hang up the phone if I'm on it, or leave the room (house, club, wherever I am) and try and compose myself rather than explode.

I think this comes from how I was raised.

We didn't get angry in my house. We got "upset" or "disappointed". Bad or tragic things left us feeling guilty, depressed, ashamed, melancholy, or sad, but very seldom was anger ever expessed at all.
I don't know if that's good or bad, it's just the way it was.

I have no scientific data to back it up, but I think we learn how to feel, to a certain extent, by the way our parents taught us to.
Or possibly taught us not to.

    For example:
I was scolded (very forcefully I might add) for crying when I skinned my knee after falling off my bicycle when I was just a little kid.
"Boys don't cry!" my father told me, skaking me. "Boys don't cry! Dry up those tears and I don't want to see you crying again!"
That was drummed into me to the extent that it takes alot to get me to tear up when I'm around other people. I doubt that if my puppy Rico (whom I love dearly) passed away I would cry. Oh, I'd be devistated, no doubt. And I'd probably cry my eyes out in private until I had no tears left. But in public, with witnesses?
I very highly doubt it.
(Get me in a darkened movie theater and put on a sad movie, though, and watch the waterworks begin!
Sometimes I watch tearjerkers on purpose just to invoke the tears. It's theraputic for me.)

Some people can cry or get extremely (but terrifyingly) angry at the littlest things, and that's amazing to me.
A coworker, who was going through alot of major drama, broke down and cried to me not to long ago. And of course I was like, "There, there! It'll be OK!" and I tried to comfort her the best I could with hugs and encouraging words, and I'm pretty sure I succeeded in doing that. But there was a part of me that admired her ability to do that, to just cry and unburdon her troubles on someone.
Dammned if I could do that if I tried.

Then there's the flip side of that. The people that can just cut loose and vent and get all their frustrations out and just be vehement with their emotions.
I admire that, too.
Anger leaves me feeling helpless, like I'm on a raft in a stormy sea. It's an emotion that makes me afraid of myself and what I might be capable of, and I find that pretty scary.

And as for the "good" emotions: happiness, joy, elation, contentedness, satisfaction, glee, optimism, and pleasure. . . .
They just come naturally to me, and for that, if nothing else, I am everlastingly grateful.