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Life is only what you wonder.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Here I Go (Again)

I tried, but it turns out I couldn't do it.

The husband asked me not to leave him, and I went back, but it turns out that sometimes you just can't go back no matter how hard you try.

It's a cliche, I know, but it's been said that if a relationship doesn't have trust, than it doesn't have anything.
That's all too true.

His infedelities and all the bullshit that I went through I thought I could forgive and forget.
Turns out I couldn't do that after all.

I was listening to my heart when I went back, and my heart was talking so loudly and forcefully, it drowned out everything else.
Then, after it quieted down, my brain spoke up.

Oh, it was easy to ignore for a little while, but it became increasingly more difficult. And the whole distrust issue was bugging the hell out of me as well.
He'd get a phone call and I'd think, Who's that? Is that one of the boys he slept with?
He would go out to the store for cigarettes and I'd wonder where he was really going.
Eventually I had the epiphany that I didn't believe him at all any more. Not anything he did, or anything he said.
His faithlessness had totally destroyed my trust.

We hadn't had any kind of sex since we first got back together and that was mainly because I had no desire to. I'd think about it, but then I would get the mental image of him touching other men, kissing them and it would sicken me. No way could I make love to him.
It wasn't going to happen.

And I was kicking my own ass, too.
He can do whatever he wants and then say "I'm sorry" and you just go back just like that? What a fool you are!

I sat him down yesterday and told him that it just wasn't going to work. I loved him, but he hurt me too much to forgive him for the things he's done.
Maybe someone stronger (weaker?) than I could do it, but not me.
After our conversation I took my wedding ring off and put it in my box of mementos.

So that's where things stand.

I'm not worried, though. I've been here before and it's not such a bad place to be.
As long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive.