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Life is only what you wonder.

Friday, September 16, 2005

I Feel Numb

When I came home from a long day of working a double shift yesterday, I was greeted upon my entrance to the house to a scene I simply wasn't prepared for.
Two dozen long-stemmed red roses were sitting in beautiful vases on the coffee table. Arranged aound them were our wedding pictures, champagne glasses, carnations and lit candles.

G. was (is) trying to woo me back (again).

He told me how much he loved me, how much he needed me, how I was his light and his world, how he didn't think he could love anyone like he loved me. And I know he wouldn't have gone through all that trouble if he didn't mean it.

Any other time something like that would reduce me to a puddle on the floor.

As a matter of fact, the craziest thing about this whole thing, everything that's happeneded in the week or so, is the fact that I haven't cried once.
Oh, I teared up a little here and there, but I haven't bawled my eyes out like I expected I would.
I almost positive that I would be an emotional wreck at this point, but I'm handling everything surprisingly well.
For someone who's usually very emotional, this is a pretty big deal.
I cry a river during The Lion King for Jah's sake! What's wrong with me?

And this is quite a reversal from the way things usually are. G. is normally the inscrutable one and I am usually the one with my heart on my sleeve.
But there he was, professing his undying love for me, and I was touched, sure. The roses were (are) beautiful.
But something is missing. Something inside myself.
I don't think I can explain it better than that.

I was moved by his words, and deeply touched, but it didn't trigger an emotional response.
I'm no psyhcologist, but I suspect it's my brain's way of coping with everything.
(If I'm not mistaken, I believe it's called repression. Damn, I wish I'd paid more attention in psych class!)
It's certainly nothing I'm doing purposefully.
I didn't say, "Let me just turn all of my emotions off now." and flip a switch or pull a lever.
Sometimes I wish it were that simple.

Where do things stand at this point?
I'm still planning on moving. Unless something changes or something else happens before then that's the only thing I can do.

My target moving day is October 1st, which would have been our sixth wedding anniversary.
Can you see the irony?