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Life is only what you wonder.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

This Time Around

It happened right when I was on the verge of leaving.

My bags were packed, the change of address forms were waiting to be filled out, and I was just about to look at the apartment in Hampden I had found in the paper. I was really leaving this time.
Adios, sayonara, auf wiedersehen and good-bye. Not looking back. No way.

Then G. said he wanted to talk to me.

"I want to say something to you," he said, "And it's something I've never said to anyone. Ever."
"I'm listening, " I replied, wondering what else there was to talk about.
"You know how it's difficult to express my emotions sometimes." he continued.
"Yeah, I know." I did know. After six years I probably know him better than anyone.
"So I want you to really listen to what I'm saying now," he continued, "It's very important, and I might never say it again."
"Go ahead."
"Don't go."
"What?" I had heard him, I was just stunned for a moment.
"Don't go. I love you. We can work this out, make it better, make it as good as it once was. Don't go. Give us another chance."
These are words I never expected to hear-- ever. You could have knocked me over with a feather.

So what was I to do?

Looking inside my own heart and reviewing my own actions, I wasn't entirely blameless in this relationship. I made horrible mistakes before which hurt him. I'm not snow white and lily pure. He's not wearing a black hat, and I'm not wearing a white one.
He's not the devil incarnate. He's human just like I am.

Was I willing to sacrifice six and a half years? That's longer than I've been with anyone.
Ever.
Plus, I love this man. I've loved this man for over six years.
He's my husband, which is not a word I use lightly.

I'd like to say I thought about it long and hard, but it didn't take that long at all, not really.
I listened to my heart.
I stayed.

I made it very very plain that things would have to change.
That's not an option, it's a prerequisite.
When we first got together it was him and me against the world, and it gradually ended up with both of us doing our own thing, living our own lives which barely overlapped.
This time around we would have to get back to where we once were, and make it work for real.

I also made it very clear that if all this crap were to happen again I would be leaving, and no amount of coaxing or pleading or saying "Don't go! I love you!" would ever bring me back again.
If we're going to make this work, then by God, lets make it work.
It's not often I "lay down the law", but this time I did. The stakes were too high not to.

So . . . that's where things stand at this point.

I talked to my Mom and told her what was going on and she said, "As long as your happy, James. That's all I care about."
(My mom is so cool!)

Anyway, it's ultimately my decision to make.
Some might call it weakness, but I see it as strength. It would be much easier to walk away and never look back, but I'm not like that.
I can't do that. I'm not built that way.

Only time will tell where this is headed, or what will happen.
It is unwise to make predictions -- especially about the future.