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Life is only what you wonder.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Don't Go Away Mad . . .

Normally, I don't work Saturday nights. Saturdays are normally 11AM - 4PM, and it's been that way for so long, I'd forgotten all the whacky fucked up guests that come in on Saturday nights. So when my work bud Tony asked if we could trade shifts today, my day shift for his night shift, I said sure. I didn't have anything going on, so why not?

Well, everything was going OK, until around 8PM when I was seated a party of four: A man, his wife (I guess) and their two daughters (approximately 14 and 16 years old).
FI*? Trailer trash.
Hate to say it, (not really) but that's what I thought.

Anyhoo, everything was fine at first. I took the drink order, brought their drinks, and when I went back to the table the guy says to me,
"Go away, and don't come back!"
So, I'm stupified, like, what did I do to him? Then I thought I might have heard him wrong, so I said,
"Excuse me?"
"Go away!" he said, "And don't come back to this table again!"
So I went to my manager and said, "I don't know what this guy's problem is, but he doesn't want me to wait on his table."
"Get Nancy to wait on them," she said.
So I did.

A few minutes later, Nancy takes me aside in the drink station and says, "I know why that guy got all upset."
"I'm all ears'" I replied, 'cause I had been wracking my brain trying to figure out what I did.
"He told me you were staring down his 16 year old daughter's blouse."
"WHAT?!?" I exclaimed, 'cause I barely even glanced at his daughter, I didn't even look at her blouse, and I certainly didn't stare down it.
"I told him you would never do that because you're a nice person," Nancy said, "But mostly because you're gay and wouldn't be interested."
"Oh?" I replied, "And what did he say when you told him that?"
"He didn't say much of anything, actually," Nancy said.

I looked over and saw him glaring at me. Obviously knowing my sexual orientation didn't help matters any.

The worst thing was they left quite a mess, and didn't leave Nancy a tip, even though it was (technically) her table, she was nothing but nice and attentive to them, she didn't do anything wrong (well, neither did I, in actuality, but that's neither here nor there) and she did the bulk of the work.

That was just one table of crazy people I dealt with tonight.
I could go on and on (and on), but I'll spare you.
until next time, that is.

*FI = First Impression

Friday, May 26, 2006

Photo Ops

I haven't done this in a while, mostly because my Nikon digital camera was stolen a few months ago.
I won't get into the details, because I'm still slightly annoyed (read: highly pissed) about it.
The camera on my cell phone is pretty good, though, and that's where these photos came from.
This Shit Is Bananas!

99 Bananas and Omega energy drink: The Breakfast of Champions!


The (New!) Plaza at Baltimore Center

I snapped this one while smoking a cigarette and sipping my coffee at the new plaza/courtyard at Charles and Saratoga Streets. It was a good day. No street people hassled me for spare change or cigarettes.
This hardly ever happens.


Blurd!

Yep, that's me, looking blurry as all Hell.
I take good pictures usually, but I had shaky little fingers that day, I guess.


Make A Wish . . .

. . . and blow!


Rico Wants In

Defin'ly need a Doggie Door. I'm the canine doorman, letting him in or out whenever he wants.
I'm his pet, not the other way around.


Secret Message

I recieved this as a tip one day.
It reads, "We Trust . . .Therefore . . . We shit . . . "
What does it mean? I have no idea.


You Will Be Assimilated!

When I saw the box of Borg (brand) Vine-Ripened cantaloupes, I HAD to take a picture of it.
All the Star Trek fans will know why I find this so humorous.


Me, Again

Nope, I never get tired of taking pictues of myself.
Here I am trying to look alluring. I'll let you decide whether or not I succeeded.


Awwww! He's So Darn Cute!

Here I am rubbing Rico's belly, one of his favorite things.

Well, that's all for now.
Have a great day!

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Who's That Guy?

I had only seen photos of Adrien Brody until recently.
"That man looks like an anteater." I thought.

Then, after seeing him in Details a few months ago, I remember thinking if there was a machine that could turn animals into human beings and you put a weasel inside and flipped the switch, Adrien Brody would come striding out.

In the past week I've had a Brody-fest and saw him in King Kong, The Pianist, and just last night, The Jacket.
The man is hot.
In pictures he doesn't really shine, but when you see him on the screen, and you see him move, or laugh, or grin, something happens.
Some combination of his movements and his features that makes him beautiful.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Extrordinary Machine

I am a dynamic individual, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice.
Not only do I enjoy long walks on the beach, I arrive early to pick up litter and rescue starfish.
I am able to bicycle up steep inclines. I consult with the FAA to plan safer routes for migratory birds.
During my lunch break, I recycle enough office paper to save 3.7 acres of rain forest.
I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail.
At night, I transcribe the proceedings of the Baltimore City Council into Braille.
I am the proud breeder of a fleet of champion beagles.
I do not perspire.
I tip 40% and hold doors indefinitely.
Once, I rescued hostages from an Iranian prison using only a magnifying glass and a spork.
Gary Kasparov consults me on chess.
After liberating research monkeys, I employ them to review tax returns for the IRS.
I am an ace at blackjack, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Nicaragua.
I experience significantly less gravity than the average person.

OK, maybe not all that. Or any of it, actually.

BUT . . .

When life gets me down and I think about cashing in my chips, saying "Goodbye, cruel world!" and chasing a whole box of Unisom with a fifth of Johnnie Walker Red, you know the first thing I think about?
Actually the first thing that enters my fevered brain in those moments (which rarely ever happen, by the way. Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere.) is that song by Queen.
But the very next thing is ... I don't wanna die. Sooner or later it's gonna happen anyway, nothing I can do about that, but there's no need to help it get here any faster.
And if you think about ot logically, there might not be a heaven (or a hell, for that matter) or reincarnation or anything else besides what we have right here. This might be all we get. If that's the case, take whatever you can get while you can, right?

But there's an even more important thing that keeps me going.
I love life. I like being alive.
The cup of coffee early in the morning to start my day. the look of happiness in my puppy's eyes when he sees me. Having money in my pocket. That delicious cocktail going down real smooth when I need it the most.
These things bring me joy.
And I enjoy being me.
No one else can be me as well as I can.
Who else can see the world the way I do? Who else can make the witty sarcastic remarks about everything that's going on around them like I can?
Sure, life's not always fun, and you get disappointed and depressed from time to time. but nothing worth having ever comes easy, and if it doesn't come easy then you don't really appriciate it that much.

I was put on this planet to be me, so that's just what I'll do.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Choose A Number From 0 to 10 That Best Describes Your Pain

Yesterday was Mother's Day, and I worked.

I could just leave it there, just say that I worked yesterday, but that wouldn't describe the magnitude of the event.

Mother's Day is the worst day of the year for restaurant workers. It's like the Friday after Thanksgiving for the people that work in retail sales.
Mother's Day (said with utter dread in their voices) is discussed two month's in advance. Nobody get's to take it off, everybody works, and if you call in sick, you better be a cold white stiff corpse 'cause no other excuse will cut it.
Luckily, I worked the breakfast/lunch shift, which is slightly less Hellish than night shift. At least with the earlier shift you get a little breather between 11:30 and 12:30 while most people are in Church, and it doesn't start to get really bad 'til about an hour before it's time to go.

We were giving out long-stemmed carnations to all the mothers. Since you can't tell by looking who is a mother and who isn't, every female of child-bearing age and older was given one.
I was giving them out near the end of the meal, arounf dessert and coffee time. This was to keep them fresh 'til right before they had to go, and also to save space on the tables. Who want's a wet-stemmed flower sitting on thier table all through their meal, right?
"Thanks for dining with us. Happy Mother's Day!" I'd say as I handed out the cranations.
Well, I had people who had just gotten seated getting all indiginant with me. "How come they get flowers and I don't?! Where's my carnation?!"
Automatically assuming I'd forgotten about them or overlooked them.
They didn't get a flower and they were pissed and, by God, they were going to make their voices heard!
I'm there to serve food and drinks, not hand out flowers, so I said screw it. As soon as people were seated I handed out flowers, just to get it over with.
Then they asked me to put them back in water 'til the end of their meal so they wouldn't wilt!
Sometimes you just can't win no matter what you do.

Anyway, I got through it, and my pain level was only at #6.
Success!
As I was walking out the door I saw the line going all the way around the restaurant.
Those poor, poor night shift people. How I pitied them.
But what did I care, I was free!

I'm off today, and though I usually spend Mondays cleaning the house, I'm going to take it easy today. Take a hot bath, lounge around.
Cleaning can always wait 'til tomorrow.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

I Guess It Could Be Worse

Deciding to take on Adrian's weekend assignment, I went to My Heritage to see which celebrity I most resembled.
I was curious, because I don't think I look like anyone famous.
Literally.
I mean, in chat rooms (before I had any photos on my profile) people would ask me which celebrity I most resembled and my reply was always "I don't look kike anybody".

Anyway, the results are in, and this is what they are:

The celebrity I most look like is John Cusack, star of such films as Grosse Pointe Blank, High Fidelity and Say Anything.
Apparently I resemble him by 81%.
It could be worse, I guess. He was kinda cute back in the day.

Next on the list were:

Oscar Wilde (60%), Prince William of Wales (58%), Matthew Fox (57%), and Dan Quayle (55%)

Oscar Wilde is pretty cool, I guess. He wrote The Picture of Dorian Gray, which is one of my favorite writings.
Prince William and Matthew Fox are pretty hot, too.
But Dan Quayle?!?!
I honestly have no words.

Friday, May 12, 2006

The Gay Questionaire

I saw this questionaire on Addaboy's blog and thought I'd do it myself.
If you feel the urge, copy and paste the questions (with your answers, not mine) to your own blog or journal.
1. How old were you when you knew you were gay? Around 11 or 12, right when puberty started to kick in.

2. Have you ever had sex with the opposite sex? Yes, just a kind of a test to see if I was really gay or not. It was a disaster.

3. Who was the first person you came out to? My high school friend Renee.

4. Are you out to your family? Yes.

5. Do you want children? Once in a while when I see a cute baby I get a longing, but most of the time, no.

6. Do you have more gay friends or straight friends? More gay than straight.

7. Were you out in school? No.

8. Is your best friend the same sex as you? Yes.

9. If your best friend is the same sex, have you ever had sex with them? Yeah, once. We made better friends than lovers.

10. Have you ever done crystal meth? Tried it a few times. Didn't care for it much.

11. Have you ever been in a sling? Never.

12. Have you ever done a 3-way? More times than I could count.

13. Have you ever dressed in drag? Once. I make an tall skinny ugly woman. LoL!

14. Would you date a drag queen? I doubt it, but you never know.

15. Are you a top/bottom or truly versatile? Truly versitle. Truly.

16. Have you seen an uncircumcised penis? I've seen every kind.

17. Have you had sex with someone of a different ethnicity? Oh yeah.

18. Have you ever barebacked? Yes.

19. How many Cher CDs do you own? Probably about 7.

20. Name of your first love? Joey.

21. Do you still talk to them? No.

22. Does size matter? . Not in the least. Well he can't be too small, like an inch long or something ridiculous like that. is

23. Biggest turn on? Great smile, shapely forearms and calves, small waist.

24. Biggest turn off? Overweight.

25. Ever been harassed due to you orientation? . Yes. I doubt there's any out gay man that hasn't been at one point or another.

26. Worst gay stereotype that applies to you? See question 19. Also I love Showtunes.

27. Ever been to a pride rally? Every year.

28. Would you marry if you could? Yes, I think it's a basic human right.

29. Would you rather be rich and smart or young and beautiful? I've already been young and beautiful (snort!), so I guess I'd choose rich and smart.

30. Do you sculpt your eyebrows? Never.

31. Do you trim your body hair? I trim the bush, otherwise I don't have much body hair.

32. Ever had sex with more than one person in a day? Yeah.

33. Ever been to an orgy? A few times.

34. Have you dated your best friends ex? Nope.

35. Would you vote for Hillary Clinton if she ran for president? Depends on who she was running against. The lesser of two evils, and all that.

36. Do you want monogamy in your relationships? It's not a question of "want", it's a prerequisite.

37. Do you believe in true love? Yes. Most definitely.

38. Do you have any tattoos? None YET.

39. Do you have any piercings? Just my ears.

40. Would you date a smoker? I am a smoker, so yeah.

41. Do you get HIV tests every 6 months? More or less.

42. Do you know anyone who has died from HIV? Too many.

43. Do you know what Stonewall was? Duh!

44. Strangest place you have had sex? In the storage room at Taco Bell (after the store was closed). It's a interesting story, actually. I should tell that one some time.

45. Strangest place you've woken up? . Aside from Strange beds all over Baltimore City, I can't think of anything unusual.

46. Are your best years behind or in front of you? Both.

47. Favorite porn movie? .Brian's Boys

48. Are you in love now? .Yes.

49. Ever been in love with a straight guy? Not in love, but had a major crush.

50. Did you ever have sex with him? No.

51. Have you ever been to a nude beach? No, but I wouldn't rule it out.

52. Have you ever been to a bath house? Yes.

53. Ever had sex in public? Public public? No.

54. Have you ever been/stayed in a relationship for Money or Security, instead of Love and Friendship? No. That goes against everything I believe in.

55. Have you ever keyed someone's car? Never.

56. Have you ever fantasized killing someone not famous? Thought about it briefly? Sure. Fantasized? No.

57. Have you ever witnessed someone dying? Not the actual moment of death, no.

58. Have you ever contemplated suicide? Yeah, but I got over it.

59. Are you glad you're still here? Every day.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Once More Into The Breach!

OK, it's been awhile.

Don't know what I can say about my extended absence. It's not that I had nothing to say. It's more like every time it came time to sit in front of the keyboard, I lost any any motivation I had to write.
Does anyone really wanna hear another waiter horror story?
It seemed that everything I felt like writing, I had already written before.

"The world won't end if I don't post something today." I told myself. And the longer I went without posting, the harder it was to post something, anything.

But no matter how apathetic I had gotten, I just couldn't bring myself to write a "So long, it's been fun!" post, or to hit the DELETE THIS BLOG link.

Aha! There must be something there!

Don't know why, but I can't let the blog die. You're stuck with me for the time being. (Or, I guess you could say we're stuck with each other.)

And, of course, I'm blogging about blogging, which is breaking one of the Blogging Commandments or something.
But, then again, I never claimed to be cool or anything.